Thievery Corporation

So. Full. Can't. Feel. My. Feet. I went and had a couple drinks with my friend Nick tonight and I ate the crap out of this ginormous burger with fries. And also nachos. Nick told me that it's, like, healthy to stretch out my stomach every once in awhile, so I felt a little better. A little.

Okay, so on to pressing business. Today at work, I heard all these awesome stories about catching shoplifters from a co-worker who used to work in loss prevention. Dudes? People are DUMB. She was telling me about young girls who would sit in fitting rooms and just shove clothes in bags while people actually WATCHED them, women who'd freak out and break someone's wrist upon getting apprehended, and all kinds of juicy stuff.

I tried to keep up and tell her that back when I worked retail at The Gap Kids (cool, I know) and I'd see people steal ALL THE TIME. Trouble was, I was too naive to actually REALIZE they were stealing, and assumed people were just reshuffling the items they had already purchased and then they'd just like, re-put them in a different store's bag. So when they showed up to the counter with the freshly stolen merchandise to return, I was the idiot being all "Was there something wrong with the fit on these 12 tshirts?" and doling out store credit.

Anyway, she was telling me all kinds of ways and rules of catching someone stealing in a store.  Apparently, it's like SUPER easy to figure out if someone is stealing.  There's like a 5 step process.  I don't know what they are, but one of them must involve spying on people in changing rooms, which is actually just very disconcerting to me.  I'm too self-conscious to slip into a swimsuit in the fitting room.  I certainly don't need someone peering at me through a two-way mirror.  Judging me.  I am definitely not going to risk a strip-search just to nab a sweater.

I've never stolen anything. I never pocketed lipstick, or stuffed a pair of jeans into my winter coat or anything. Have you guys? I've known a couple people who went through a phase where they got a rush out of stealing things. People who think they are doing stores a "favor" by exploiting flaws in their security systems. Gee, what a great public service...

And these days, it's everywhere.  You know how all these Wall Street tool bags are getting indicted for stealing all this money from their clients or whatever? Rest assured that will never be me. Stealing stuff is for jerks. It's lame and cliche and definitely never cool. and it definitely entails a certain level of sneakiness that I don't have  Plus, I'm pretty sure I don't even have a good enough handle on my own possessions and money to even attempt to jeopardize someone elses. I once thought someone had stolen $38 from my bank account and called the bank to yell at them, only to find out I had done some online shopping after a very late night out with the girls.

But I do love hearing stories about how people get caught pocketing a bedazzled bra from the Juniors section at Macy's. Really?  Do you REALLY need that atrocity?  I think the cops are doing you a favor by confiscating that item, lady.  I feel like people should think long and hard about what they're going to take. What if you get caught stealing, like, hemorrhoid cream or something?  Or like a pair of Crocs?  EMBARRASSING!

Do you guys remember that scene in Empire Records when that character gets caught stealing CD'S, and all the CD's are terrible and they totally make fun of the kid?  That ruled.  Oh, and then they gave the kid a job?  Classic.

Anyway, my brain has officially shut down due to the sheer amounts of food coursing through my body, if you can't tell.  The point is, I'm too full to think but I  DO think it's funny when a guy gets caught stealing 20 pairs of thongs or something.  Sweet sweet justice...

Alright guys, be good this weekend, okay?  Don't do anything stupid.  Deal?  Have a great weekend!!