Dear Crabby

Whoops! I had almost forgotten it was time to tackle some of your burning questions! This 4-day work week has me all kinds of backwards. Luckily, I figured it out, and your emails shall not go unanswered! (I can hear your sighs of relief...) And awaaaaay we go!

Dear Crabby,

Why are you so crabby? What gives?

Stop being crabby!
-Glass is Half-Full!!!

Dear Obnoxiously Positive Person,

Uh, have you not READ this blog before? I'm not ALWAYS crabby, Perky Jerky, I just find that most of the time, people can be dumb. And I feel like it's up to me to just helpfully ridicule them back into sanity. I would have liked to have come up with a catchier, more descriptive title, but "Dear Person With Common Sense and an Occasionally Insulting Retort" just didn't quite have a ring to it. Here's my advice to you: People don't trust other people who are all happy-go-lucky all the time. They seem, um, insane. Maybe start listening to more Lil Wayne, and less Little Bunny Foo Foo. You'll thank me later, I assure you.

Dear Crabby,

Be honest. Should I, or should I not, get bangs?

I'll do whatever you say!
-Bangin' (or not?)

Hey Bangin',

Ah, one of life's biggest questions. Chop hair at the front of my face or not? I think Mother Teresa battled this very same thing. My short (ha!) answer is Sure, why not?! I love bangs! I wish I could HAVE bangs! Even Geo suggested I get bangs, because he said they'll make me look "youn...er, wait, no." Yeah, he wanted to say bangs would make me look younger. I told him to stop growing so much hair on his face and HE could look younger too. Whatevs. But truly, I'd like to cut some bangs. Here are the only reasons I can't (and if you're in a similar spot, I'd cut (ha!) out the whole idea as well). My forehead sweats and my hair is thin. So, all it would take is one hot afternoon and I look like a drowned rat. So, I guess those are your options. Do it if you don't have an excessively inhospitable forehead region, but if you do, maybe consider getting some of those creepy clip-in bangs that Sandra Bullock wore to the Golden Globes.

Dear Crabby,

My best guy friend asked me out on a date. It was all kinds of awkward! It felt like I was going out with my brother! He told me he really had a great time, and "can't wait to do it again", but I'd rather chug a gallon of milk (I'm lactose-intolerant). What can I do to let him down gently? I still want him as my friend, but the thought of being anything more than that is grosstacular. HELP!

Thanks!
-Wants a Brofriend, Not a Boyfriend

What's up, WABNAB!

Eeesh, that's tricky. I, like you, totally love having guy friends. I actually prefer guy friends to girls sometimes. They are simple friendships to maintain and typically, you don't need to do anything but bring some beer and have a competitive spirit. But making the leap from brofriend to boyfriend opens up a ginormous can o' worms. He clearly digs your laid back spirit and the way you probably don't try too hard around him, and it seems that it's a double-edged sword. The same thing that makes you friends makes him want to be MORE than friends. Grody. All I can suggest is to be honest. Guys appreciate honesty and being straight-forward. They don't need you to be all wishy-washy about this. Be straight up with him. Take him out for some beer and burgers. Then do the "Listen, I don't think we should go on 'dates' anymore. It makes me feel weird, and I really don't want to complicate this with feelings. Let's just keep it at a friendship level and see where that goes." Then buy shots for you both (you know, so he still wants to be FRIENDS at least )and then fart or something (so he sees how truly unattractive you can be.) Good luck!

Well, I'm super glad I remembered it was Wednesday! Otherwise all these poor shlubs would have been direction-less for a whole 'nother week! Phew! You know what to do with YOUR questions: slap 'em in an email to pharonsquare@gmail.com. And we'll talk about them all next week! Same bat time, same bat channel...