Dear Crabby

I was wondering today if I give ADvice or BADvice. I decided that it doesn't matter, because I'm just always right. Here are some more pearls of wisdom!

Dear Crabby,

So, I'm going to my boyfriend's parents cabin this weekend. We thought we'd be there alone, so I was all set to get a savage tan in my new barely-there bikini. But now his parents are coming too! Do I need to stash the new 'kini and bring a dumb ol' one-piece? Does the amount of skin I decide to show have a big impact on how his parents see me??

Thanks,
What's a Suitable Suit?

Hey there, Suitable Suit!

Listen, I totally get the desire for a "savage tan" (by the way, that phrase is awesome and not used NEARLY enough these days!) And 4th of July weekend is a great time to let it all hang out and catch some rays and relax. Having said that, maybe leave the dental floss suit at home this weekend. (Might I suggest picking one up at J.Crew? They have the best suits.) Why run the risk of offending them just to tan your butt cheeks? You don't need to cover up like an Amish woman, obvs. I mean, it's a cabin and you're on vacation, but you don't need to go all Brooklyn-Decker on his parents. If you want to stay on their good side, cover up your back side. And your boobs too, if you're blessed with a big set. Good luck, kid.

Dear Crabby,

What's the best way to show my patriotism this weekend? I really feel like gettin' crazy and being that girl this weekend. Any and all suggestions welcome!

Thank you so much!
-Red, White and Woo Hoo!

Well, Red White and Woo Hoo, you sound like a GOOD TIME. I feel like you and I could be friends in real life. With that in mind, here's my suggestion. (You can steal the idea if you want.) Last year, we had a 4th of July costume contest in my family, and I WON. Here's why:

I can't EXPLAIN the costume, but it was sick. Unicorn hat? Check. American flag worn as a dress closed with a big silver belt? Double check. Silver eye shadow worn as face paint a la Ke$ha? Tik Tok. I'll allow you to copy this epic creation, as long as you give me credit. And 10% of any money you might make off of wearing such an awesome costume.

Dear Crabby,

I have no plans for 4th of July. Am I a loser?

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO,
An Independent Woman

What's up, Independent Woman?

Um, yeah, I think it makes you a bit of a loser. Sorry. Now, that's not necessarily a BAD THING. Sometimes I'm the only person I want to hang out with anyways, because, well, I'm pretty bada$$. Or maybe you've been too busy or lazy to make plans yet. Whatever. that's all good. But if you've begged people to hang out and got no takers, then yeah, you're probably a bit of a loser. Technically, though, it IS Independence Day this weekend, so maybe flaunting your independence will be awesome. Either way, good luck!

How strange that all the questions this week had to do with the 4th of July! Crazy! I'm kind of disappointed no one wanted to talk about Canada Day (which is today, right!?) but, maybe next year [crosses fingers]? Meanwhile, send your questions, as usual, to pharonsquare@gmail.com. Give me some juicy stuff to work with, dudes!