Saving Face(book)

I will spare you the details of how sweaty I am right now. I will also spare you the details of talking about how it was 102 degrees in Minnesota today, and how I currently am cooling off by holding a cold beer on my chest. Like, I'm barely even drinking it. That's just crazy.

So you know what's annoying? People tagging ugly pictures of you on Facebook and then getting all uppity when you untag yourself. A friend of mine recently went through the trouble of sending me a direct message saying "You shouldn't untag yourself in MY pictures. I liked it." Exsqueeze me? Rude, right?! It was a picture of ME. I thought my arms looked fat, so I untagged it. Big whoop! I thought I'd take this opportunity to explain social media etiquette. To the unnamed friend who is apparently the President of Tagging, you might want to pay attention.

Social Media Rule #1: Enough with the constantly depressing status updates. I can't tell if it's a cry for help or what. But all it really makes me think is "Yikes. I need to block this person unless I constantly want to be sad whenever I scroll through updates." Quit it. Consider therapy.

Social Media Rule #2: Guess who doesn't care about the zillions upon zillions of updates about your kids! Everyone. It's too much. I'm friends with YOU, most likely because I think YOU are cool. If I wanted constant updates on Junior's eating habits, I'd hop on over to the search bar and look HIM up. Not sure if this is you? Head on over to stfuparents.tumblr.com and take a looksie. It's a resource, people. Use it. Listen, I'm sure your kids are cute. And kids do a lot of funny things. I don't mind that. But don't trick me into being friends with you and then only write about them. I like YOU. Let's talk about YOU.

Social Media Rule #3: If you post a fugly picture of me, I have the chance, nay, the RIGHT, to remove my tag. Why do you post pictures of me that are ugly anyways? That's rude. I'm guessing that you like the picture of yourself, which is fine, but there's a nifty little "cropping" tool that can remedy both situations. You can stay cute, I can pretend the picture never existed. And getting upset because I untagged myself is uncouth. Sheesh. Take it down a notch.

Social Media Rule #4: Nothing is more uncomfortable than changing your relationship status to "Single". Chances are, it's not some lovely, happy story about the demise of a relationship. Therefore, when it shows up, it's pretty gnarly to comment "Oh no! What happened!?" right smack dab in the middle of the newly-singletons Wall. Send that private-message-style. If they wanted to give the deets publicly, they would have. Respect, people.

Social Media Rule #5: Everyone. Can. See. Your. Twitter. Pictures. If. You. Aren't. Careful. You hear that, Anthony Weiner?! Twitter is not the place to carry on a secret relationship. Ever heard of email? Or better yet, ever heard of "NOT CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE"?! Sheesh. Twitter is the place to talk about Rebecca Black or the release of a new iPhone feature or a revolution in Iran. It's not for nudie pics. Gross, dude.

Social Media Rule #6: If you live in San Diego and you constantly invite me to events at your store or neighborhood association or whatever (even though I live in MINNESOTA), I will defriend you. Create a Group of San Diegans (or whatever) and invite them. I'm not coming. You are wasting an invite on me. In fact, it will only add to your list of "Not Attending" and that's not cool.

Social Media Rule #7: Don't be afraid to be a good resource. If you found something cool online and want to share it? Awesome! That's how things become viral. But don't pawn it off as something YOU started. Unless you are the one the made the video or wrote the funny article, chances are YOU weren't the first one to find it. It's a waste of taking credit for something. It took me FOREVER to find Honey Badger, but I didn't post it and be all "OMG, I can't believe I'm the first one to discover this!" You'll NEVER be the first person to find something on the internet. Dumb.

How's that list? Did I miss anything? Did I hurt anyone's feelings? I hope I didn't, because I'm just trying to make the internet a better place. Give yourself some credit, people, and use these platforms to your advantage! I'd rather read about how you filed your nails for 2 hours than any of the above things. Got it? Good! Now, just hop on over to the Pharon Square facebook page and let me know what you think about this list. Do I do any of these things on there?!

P.S. Tomorrow is another Deeeeeeear Crabby! Send in your questions a.s.a.p. to get them answered by a real-live blogger! Email them to pharonsquare@gmail.com. Don't forget, Squares!