Dear Crabby

Great news! I'm very crabby tonight, so it makes writing a Dear Crabby column totes appropes!! Let's get this over with...(See? Crabby.)

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend NEVER cleans up after himself at home. There are dishes everywhere, and he does this thing where he puts empty bottles back in the fridge to "remind himself to get more" of whatever it is. It drives me nuts! How do I get him to stop being a lazy jerk?

Thanks,
Clean Freak

Dear Clean Freak,

Geez, either you have to get over it, or you have to just say something. From experience, I'll tell you nagging will NOT WORK. Don't nag. Don't passive-aggressively "remind" him by leaving notes or making chore wheels. The best way to get a guy to do something is to talk to him like a guy. (I heard some comic or something suggest this once, and it totes works every time.) You don't have to worry about hurting his feelings, either. You just walk in the house, and if it's messy, just say "Dude, clean up your crap." Then walk out of the room and do something else. Don't give him the silent treatment or anything, just say something and eventually he'll do whatever you need him to do. He won't do it right away, because "you're not the boss of him". But he'll do it. If that doesn't work, move out. He'll get the hint.

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend and I have been fighting so much lately! About dumb stuff, too, but we just keep arguing about everything. Here's the thing, though. My lease is up in August, and so we've ALSO been thinking of moving in together, but since all we do is fight lately, I'm starting to think it's not a good idea. When we AREN'T fighting, everything is great, so I don't want to lose that. And we both really want to get more serious together. All my friends seem to have different opinions, so I wanted to get your take. What should I do?!

Love,
To Move or Not To Move

Sorry, TMONTM, but you guys sound pretty miserable. Why are you fighting so much? Cut it out! I feel sorry for your friends, though. Chances are that none of your friends can stand listening to the two of you talk about all your fighting, so you might not have any other roommate options anymore anyway! A couple who fights constantly yet still decides to hurl themselves more and more into their dysfunctional relationship, despite obvious red flags, is just plain annoying. Give your friends, and yourself a break and don't do anything crazy. Take a step back, fix the fighting, and THEN decide if moving is a good idea. My guess is that moving in together will be terrible and you'll end up hating each other and one of you will probably put syrup in the other's shampoo bottle before stealing the coffee maker and moving out in the middle of the night ANYWAYS. So save yourself some time, some sanity, and some syrup, and don't move in together yet.

Dear Crabby,

I'm a regular 27 year-old chick. I have a full-time job in an office, and I live in a really nice apartment in the 'burbs. Here's the problem: I have about 23 stuffed teddy bears in my room that I LOVE and keep all over the place. Do you think it's a deal-breaker for guys who come over to see all the bears?

Xoxoxox,
Bearly Legal

Hey Bearly Legal,

It's not just a deal-breaker for GUYS to walk into your own personal Build-a-Bear Workshop, it's a deal-breaker for EVERYONE. You're not 6 years old, so it's not cute to have all that crap around, it's, like, freaky. Why do you need them all anyways? Here's my advice. You basically have three options: throw them away, store them in a chest somewhere deep in the bowels of a closet, or just prepare to be single forever. It's up to you. Try replacing the creepy stuffed animals with something more adult, like throw pillows. Or issues of Vogue. Or bottles of wine. ANYTHING but toys...seriously. It's time to say "ba-bye" to all the widdle guys. Or, you know, you could just start investing in 1,000 cats to keep those bears company because you're going to be very single for a very long time if you don't put them away.

Yeah, okay, so those were pretty good questions. I hope I wasn't too harsh. Even if I was, though, I'm okay with that. Sometimes you just need to stop being polite, and start being real. Thanks, Real World! You know the drill, Squares. Email me at pharonsquare@gmail.com to get the kind of advice you don't WANT to hear, but NEED to hear. I'm off to bed to try and shake this crabbiness! Be good out there, guys!