Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Sun and smoke: Evil elements

So, next week I'm heading out to Vegas for a bachelorette party for my dear, dear friend, Madeline. I'm physically in no condition to be in Vegas. Let's face it...Minnesotans take a little more time than the average person to adjust to exposing any sort of pasty white skin after being tucked behind sweatpants and sweaters all winter. So yesterday was super nice and sunny. I sat on our deck (which I LOVE)  to try and rejuvenate myself and remind myself what air feels like on skin. Unfortunately, I ended up with a majorly uneven, raging sunburn on my shoulders. If you're following me on Instagram, you've seen the proof.

But yeah...I had forgotten that sun can COLOR skin whilst warming it. I had on a black tank top, but forgot to shift when the sun shifted, hence the VERY unbalanced and burny color I got. The point is, I have no idea what will happen to my skin and body in Vegas. So, I decided tonight to focus on my money-maker. My face.

See, I've learned to anticipate its clever surprises and hilarious balance of wrinkles and acne. I like to keep it protected from the sun (and makeup), so I'd like to think my face is the one factor that won't ruin everyone's pictures. I took the opportunity tonight to try and perfect a classic makeup technique that I figure I will just really rely on during my Vegas trip.

The smokey eye.

It's allegedly "easy." It's allegedly "chic and sophisticated." So I checked out this easy tutorial on YouTube. The girl is gorgeous, and I'd like to look just like her. All it takes is some eye makeup, right? Anyway, the vid is 10 minutes long, so you don't need to watch it, but this is supposed to be the end result:

I started with this hot piece of ace:
 Twenty five minutes later? NAILED IT.
Oh yeah...check out the way that the black eyeshadow darts out of the corner of my eyes like a dirty exhaust pipe. I used 6 different eyeshadows to achieve this very advanced look of "OMG, are you okay!?" I'm particularly proud of the clever way I've applied my fake eyelashes in a U shape. It really accentuates that extreme V line I made with the black eyeshadow to make my eyes go UP instead of being all "not up" and sad. I know...miraculous illusion.

Well, looks like I'm all set for Vegas! I've got the unfortunate sunburn, the killer eye makeup routine...what more could a girl need?!

P.S. Geo just got home from some extracurricular activity he does and said "I can't take you seriously. You like the worst Black Swan ever." Score!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Financial Planning

Well, last week I fixed Facebook (right? I mean, I haven't been on in a few weeks, so I'll assume it's everything I ever dreamed it would be) and now I'm going to fix the economy.

That's right, people. Me - the girl who failed out of basic math AND basic economics - has the solution to fix the world's problems. See, it's really very simple. I spent about 6 minutes talking about it with Madeline, and it's just so obvious that I'm shocked Ben Franklin never added it to his almanac. Or Guinness Book. Or whatever he wrote.

So, here's the thing. Money is annoying. The people who have it are rude and the people who don't have it are just always consumed by wanting it. It's a waste of time, people. We are all tied up by this stupid piece of paper. We don't need to work ourselves stupid just trying to pay for cable. So, Madeline and I came up with a solution. I'm 100% confident you'll agree. (100% is, like, all-the-way full, right?)

People should be paid in accordance to their jobs. Not in money, but in need.

Like, if you have a terribly gross or complex job that NO ONE else wants/can do, you should make a million dollars. This would include: social workers, waste management workers, diaper testers, non-alcoholic beverage tasters, doctors, geniuses, scientists, cow fertility specialists, etc. Everyone else gets paid in appropriate services and/or goods. Here are some examples:

* Bakers: Paid in flour and fondant
* Writers: Paid in compliments and typewriters
* Teachers: Paid in summer vacations and bank holidays
* Bartenders: Paid in food and booze
* Dermatologists: Paid in Proactive
* Farmers: Paid in seed (gross)
* Designers: Paid in fabric and/or furniture and/or computer programs
* Professional athletes: Paid in worldwide travel and free sports drinks
* Musicians: Paid in albums and studio equipment
* Construction workers: Paid in lumber and labor
* Zookeepers: Paid in cuddly animals
* Computer software something-or-others: Paid in computers
* Sommeliers: Paid in wine (and hints of oak, but not too much oak)
* Real estate agents: Paid in houses
* Apple employees: Paid in apples
* Retail workers: Paid in clothes
* Bankers: Paid in checkbooks and souls
* Actors: Paid in awards from various academies
* Models: Paid in daddy issues and dresses

See, money is stupid. It really shouldn't mean anything. But we need it to get cable and clothes and other important things. We have the Kardashians who make BUTTLOADS more than any of us could even dream of. And all they do is poop out money to stay famous. If they got paid in punches to the face, the world would be a different place.

So, my proposal is this: Pay people in what they deserve and need. Not money, but THINGS. If we are all supposed to work at what we love, we should also get paid in what we love. I would take 12 great compliments over cash any day of the week...IF I could pay my cable provider in suggestions for great shows.

The greatest part of this whole proposal is that people who add nothing to our moral or scientific or creative fabric would get zip. There would be no more motivation to be a jerk or a-hole or "rich because I'm rich" person. Everyone would get exactly what the need, and nothing else. Except the nerds and the hardest of workers: They'd have a billion dollars each and be the most popular people ever. And I'm pretty sure that's how it should be anyway...