Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Pharon Vs. The State of Denim

I hereby call this case to order. Prosecution, please proceed.

Members of the jury, we are in the clutches of evil, and I urge you to consider your children’s future when it comes to the matter at hand. We, as a People, need to stand up any say “Enough”! No more will we fall victim to your deceitful games! No more will we blindly follow your lead into the black abyss that shall become reality if we do nothing to fight the dark, washed-up Denim Empire.

My friends, we have reached an era where it is common to combine words in the spirit of efficiency. Speidi. Spork. Murse. While I whole-heartedly and emphatically agree with this practice, I find it appalling that people have used technique in such a frivolous manner, thereby inventing what can only be called fashion travesties. Please, brace yourselves as we put on trial two man-made constructions that must be stopped: Jeggings. And Jorts.

Order! Order in the court! Please, members of the jury, contain yourselves! Let us get down to the business of justice. What we are facing today is the inexplicable decision-making that has created new and dangerously tasteless trends simply by combining words. In the case of Pharon vs. Jeggings, let me please direct you to Exhibit A:

Do you see? The jean+legging combination of “jeggings”, as we are forced to call them, are simply TIGHTS, masquerading as pants. Yes, the feet have been removed, but I believe that is but a safety precaution to ensure the blood is still flowing to your feet. Also even the tall, leggy model wearing the Jeggings (who wisely has chosen to hide her face) appears to be short, and stout! The pants should be called Tea Pot jeans!

Please note that while Jeggings mimic leggings, Jeggings falsely lead the victim to have an unusually high confidence level, and wrongly encourage her that they “count” as jeans. Leggings, on the other hand, rightfully and constitutionally serve as adorable accessories. Additionally, do not confuse skinny jeans with Jeggings. Skinny jeans are actual pants that look good on a wide population of people, both men and women, and are highly acceptable in society. But the fashion industry has fooled otherwise beautiful and smart women into slipping into these atrocious Jeggings and walking around as if they are not only wearing pants, but that they look good in them! Do not be fooled, dear citizens! The Emperor has no clothes, and we all know it!

Let us move now to the disfigured and orphaned child of the Jeggings. Jorts. Jeans + Shorts. In the spirit of full-disclosure, let us all admit that we indeed own, or have owned, jean shorts. There is nothing to be ashamed of here. Jeans are great. An American standard. And taken at the letter of their name, jean shorts can be just dandy. However, by taking the next step and actually combining “Jean” and “Shorts” into Jorts makes them an entirely different garment. What we have created is the worst thing to happen to denim since the Canadian tuxedo. Members of the jury: you must not sit idly by and allow the Jorts to take over. Next thing you know, you’ll be washing your boyfriend’s Jort Zubaz, and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

With that in mind, may I present Exhibits B and C:

There is no greater crime than a crime of fashion. We must put an end to Jeggings and Jorts. These “trends” have moved, and they’ve moved quickly people. And now they're knocking on the doors of Suburban America. Will you let this poison into your home? Will you allow this toxic display of “taste” to suffocate the bodies of the ones you love? Or will you stand tall, shoulder to shoulder with me, and declare “You look like a disproportionate idiot!” Who can we count on if not ourselves? Who must we trust if we cannot trust ourselves? I urge you to take a good look at the evidence. Look at these photos, and the seemingly disfigured bodies. Then do the right thing and condemn these perpetrators.

The prosecution rests.


sarahabt said...

hysterical...just, hysterical...you are the funniest person...I love you!!

Grandmaman said...


Anonymous said...

How to decide if it is worth keeping your boyfriend - A Test:
Put on a pair of Jeggings, turn around in front of him and ask - Do these Jeggings make my butt look fat?
If he says no - he's a liar and not just being diplomatic.
If he laughs hysterically and says - YUP! - he's a keeper!
Whose butt doesn't look big in those things!

Pharon said...

Hahahaha, "Do these Jeggings make my butt look fat?" is quite possibly one of the funniest questions to have ever been asked.

cindi said...

Oh dear....I actually thought jeggings would be cute with a LONG tunic-y thing...not for MATURE women of course...

JessiferSeabs said...

OH my god, that picture of the guy with the thong jorts on... my best friend emailed that to me a few months ago with a caption that said "Look, this is your new boyfriend" and I had nightmares about it for months. Cannot BELIEVE that I Just had to see it again on your blog. Dying. I died. Did you die?