I Can't Believe It's Not Popcorn

Today at work, I was sitting at my desk, mindlessly snacking on a bag of SmartPop popcorn. Just minutes before that, I was plopping little blobs of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter into the bag. I shook the bag of hot popcorn around and headed back to my desk. Cut to 30 seconds later, when I’m sitting at my desk, mindlessly snacking on a bag of SmartPop popcorn. I picked up a healthy handful of popcorn and shoved it in my mouth. Seconds later, I thought, “Wow, this popcorn is nasty. And cold. And soggy. And, this isn’t popcorn. This is a giant blob of butter. And I just swallowed it.”

My mind is just playing tricks on me, I guess. Today, I woke up, pretty determined to conquer all obstacles that fell in my way. My brain was all, “Yeah! Pharon! You can DO this!” And I left the house. Forgetting to button my pants. That's just not okay. Whether I’m eating butter, or having difficulty figuring out how many hours are between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. (BRIEFLY!), I’m just, I’m off today. My iPod ear buds are only working in one ear. Maybe that’s the reason for my imbalance.

Also? I definitely didn't win those Twins Tickets I wanted. In FACT, I’m not even sure where I got the idea that I COULD win them. I’m extremely unlucky when it comes to all that, how do I just keep forgetting that? What’s going on here, people?

Maybe it’s the time of year. This is my last week of Summer Hours at work, and maybe the long days and half-day Fridays have just burned my brain out. Or maybe it’s the fact that I brought my Kate Spade bag in to be dry cleaned on Friday, and I still haven’t heard back as to whether or not it’s even POSSIBLE to dry clean. My new, substitute bag is just a mess of crap. There are no convenient pockets, and I’m constantly digging around for a pen or my wallet or a taser.

I hate feeling off. Tonight all I made for dinner was vegetables. Say whaaaaaat? I’ve really got to pull myself together. I can’t go on constantly worried that I have put on two different shoes, or that I may eat a stick of butter. It’s inhumane. For now, I’ll blame the changing season and my M.I.A. Kate Spade. Once order is restored, and it better be restored soon Pilgrim Cleaners, I’ll have my life back. I hope.