Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Purge

Recently, I went through a clothing purge. I went through my closets and tried to throw away all the items that meant nothing to me. But it was super hard. And even though I threw away 5 bags of clothes, I feel like I still didn't do much damage.  It was incredibly frustrating.

I don't know a single person who LOVES throwing old clothes away. There isn't any person in the history of existence who is like "Oh, I haven't worn this shirt in like a year, therefore I will throw it away, no questions asked."

Every person ever has some pile of unexplainably important clothes. No one is NOT a clothes hoarder. Sorry dudes, it's a definite FACT. We all do it. We all have secret boxes of secret clothes that we keep because we just LIKE them. We hide them under beds, in boxes or at our parents' house. But make no mistake: We all keep terrible clothes just BECAUSE.

I recently thought I had beat this crazy Clothes Demon. I collected five bags of clothes, hauled them into a donation bin (methinks it's more of a dumpster) and declared myself CLEAN.

But then I came home to see that I really hadn't made a difference. Even without all the clutter of Old Navy throw-aways, I could see clearly the things I had consciously decided to KEEP. It was not pretty. 

First up was the full box of "nostalgia shirts. I LOVE my shirt collection. I love them all. But my fave is from my sophomore year of college when my friend Kim and I were inseparable to the to point where someone made a T-shirt that I would reluctantly treasure:

Then there was a store that opened at the Mall of America that made hilarious and witty shirts I just HAD TO HAVE as a teen. They were kind of sassy and naughty and my parents would never have let me wear them in house, which is why they were so awesome. They were my first "I'm a college independent person" shirts that cost like $85 and I've decided that they will ALWAYS be relevant if I can just get skinny enough to wear them:

I'll never be able to throw these guys away.

Then there's my ridiculous pants collection. I threw away 6 pairs of leggings and 8 pairs of jeans, And yet somehow, I'm still left with: 

Yeah that's 1 billion pairs of jeans and 6 pairs of leggings (plus the pair I was wearing while taking the picture.) That's too many pants, y'all.

So now I have a closet full of too many pants and several old shirts that I cannot wear.

How did this happen? How do I accumulate so many clothes without them being, like, clothes I WEAR? But more importantly, how am I supposed to get RID of all these clothes? Can I keep all my old college bar crawl tees, or do I have to throw them away? Can I hold on to those 4 dresses that fit me like a glove when I am 20 pounds lighter, or do I have to blast them out of my closet? 

How do you guys keep your closets under control??

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Grudge Match

Confucius says that "To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.” I say, "What does Confucius know?"

I was talking to my sister Prinna this weekend, and I was on one of my epic rants about being mad at someone for something. I don't even remember what or who I was talking about, but I remember being very annoyed and very grudgy. (That's all a lie. I know exactly what I was ranting about, but for reasons I will discuss later, I will not divulge.) I explained to Prinna that I didn't want to DO anything about my feelings of being wronged, I just wanted to be MAD. She laughed and said "Well, that's normal. For people who love ulcers."

I LOVE a good grudge. I've had many in my life. Current grudges include:

* This girl I was friends with in college who kissed a boy I liked freshman year. I still look her up from time to time to see if she has caught on fire yet.
* A driver in Rochester with the license plate UMPA-C who cut me off approx 10 months ago
* People who cancel on me last-second
* Geo, who tonight said that I "am missing the point of math."
* This barista at Caribou who talks CONSTANTLY about her workout and eating habits. She once said "I just don't get why anyone would want to poison their bodies with high fructose corn syrup." Eat a bucket of nails, lady. I love me some HFCS.
* Kim Kardashian for being the worst
* The show "Archer" for not having season 5 on Netflix yet, even though season 6 is in full-swing on real TV

That's just a darling little sample of the people who are currently on my $hit list. There are more. Oh trust, people....there are more.

I know that holding grudges is not healthy. I know that we are supposed to be all "La di da, who cares?" because holding grudges hurts no one but the person holding one. But I love grudges because I love being right and refuse to be wrong. However, that means there is a heavy, emotionally expensive rock somewhere in my body for every friend and stranger who I feel has wronged me.

Adding to the problem is the fact that I am also Minnesotan, which means there's nothing I like less than confrontation. So, it's not like I'm going to actually confront the person who is currently serving as the bane of my existence. I'd be a TERRIBLE reality show character, because I will never say "If you have something to say, say it to my face!" I'd rather be like "You know what? Let's just vent about this separately in the confessional room and act normal elsewhere so no one is uncomfortable!"

I don't want to look someone in the face and be like "You and your [insert terrible action here] have kept me up at night and you are the only one who can fix it." I really just expect everyone to KNOW that they have wronged me, and then move heaven and Earth to change or apologize to me. Is that so wrong?

Now, unfortunately, there is a very big downside to my awesome ability at grudge-holding. It literally keeps me awake at night. I'll lay in bed and think about my private enemies, and I'll try and think of the most powerfully mean things I could say to make that person to make them understand how awful they are, but it's super nonsense because I could/would never actually SAY something. And then I realize, at some point, that it's literally all empty energy. The girl with whom I am having this imaginary fight is clueless, and that's when I realize I'm losing my mind.

So! That's why this year, I have resolved to make my grudges COUNT! If you are the reason I'm up at night thinking of why you are ruining my life, I will tell you!! Also, I encourage you all to say the same to me...unless it's mean. In that case, say what you want but bring me some bagels to cushion the blow. And then get ready for a deep-seeded grudge. :)