Thursday, April 3, 2014

Financial Planning

Well, last week I fixed Facebook (right? I mean, I haven't been on in a few weeks, so I'll assume it's everything I ever dreamed it would be) and now I'm going to fix the economy.

That's right, people. Me - the girl who failed out of basic math AND basic economics - has the solution to fix the world's problems. See, it's really very simple. I spent about 6 minutes talking about it with Madeline, and it's just so obvious that I'm shocked Ben Franklin never added it to his almanac. Or Guinness Book. Or whatever he wrote.

So, here's the thing. Money is annoying. The people who have it are rude and the people who don't have it are just always consumed by wanting it. It's a waste of time, people. We are all tied up by this stupid piece of paper. We don't need to work ourselves stupid just trying to pay for cable. So, Madeline and I came up with a solution. I'm 100% confident you'll agree. (100% is, like, all-the-way full, right?)

People should be paid in accordance to their jobs. Not in money, but in need.

Like, if you have a terribly gross or complex job that NO ONE else wants/can do, you should make a million dollars. This would include: social workers, waste management workers, diaper testers, non-alcoholic beverage tasters, doctors, geniuses, scientists, cow fertility specialists, etc. Everyone else gets paid in appropriate services and/or goods. Here are some examples:

* Bakers: Paid in flour and fondant
* Writers: Paid in compliments and typewriters
* Teachers: Paid in summer vacations and bank holidays
* Bartenders: Paid in food and booze
* Dermatologists: Paid in Proactive
* Farmers: Paid in seed (gross)
* Designers: Paid in fabric and/or furniture and/or computer programs
* Professional athletes: Paid in worldwide travel and free sports drinks
* Musicians: Paid in albums and studio equipment
* Construction workers: Paid in lumber and labor
* Zookeepers: Paid in cuddly animals
* Computer software something-or-others: Paid in computers
* Sommeliers: Paid in wine (and hints of oak, but not too much oak)
* Real estate agents: Paid in houses
* Apple employees: Paid in apples
* Retail workers: Paid in clothes
* Bankers: Paid in checkbooks and souls
* Actors: Paid in awards from various academies
* Models: Paid in daddy issues and dresses

See, money is stupid. It really shouldn't mean anything. But we need it to get cable and clothes and other important things. We have the Kardashians who make BUTTLOADS more than any of us could even dream of. And all they do is poop out money to stay famous. If they got paid in punches to the face, the world would be a different place.

So, my proposal is this: Pay people in what they deserve and need. Not money, but THINGS. If we are all supposed to work at what we love, we should also get paid in what we love. I would take 12 great compliments over cash any day of the week...IF I could pay my cable provider in suggestions for great shows.

The greatest part of this whole proposal is that people who add nothing to our moral or scientific or creative fabric would get zip. There would be no more motivation to be a jerk or a-hole or "rich because I'm rich" person. Everyone would get exactly what the need, and nothing else. Except the nerds and the hardest of workers: They'd have a billion dollars each and be the most popular people ever. And I'm pretty sure that's how it should be anyway...

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