Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Yolk's On You!

Shock of the year: I didn't do my taxes this weekend. Still no password reminder. Rude. That's just, like, MEAN. Instead, I hung out with the fam (it was my nephew's first birthday!) and partook in the 2-for-1 beer deals at the bar with some friends. Claire got a new foster dog so I played with him and overfed him and he got diarrhea. He is cute. Then tonight, on April Fool's Day, I decided I was feeling crafty.

My aunts Sarah and Cindi make these super elaborate Easter eggs every year. They drain out raw eggs and then modge podge all kinds of lace and doodads and fun stuff all over them. They are amazing and beautiful and I decided to give it a shot.

All I've got to show for my night are broken blood vessels in my cheeks, traces of raw eggs in my system and some goopy paper stuck on empty eggs.

Here's how it started. I bought a billion eggs. I hard-boiled half of them (only cracking 80% of them) to dye with Claire this week. The other half I decided to empty out and fancy up like my aunts.

You have to poke a hole in each end of the egg and then blow out all the insides. Seems easy enough, right?

After several failed attempts to avoid putting my mouth directly on the egg (marinating syringe, twisty straw, fast bursts of water), I realized I couldn't avoid it. I sat for, oh, 2 hours blowing into the eggs.

Ironically enough, the pin I used to make the pin holes was a Pro Choice pin. I laughed with Andrew being all "Ha! Look, I'm giving this egg an abortion!" He was like "Pharon, that's just wrong. Also, the egg is unfertilized." Sheesh, humor-hater.

Anyway, I sat and blew and blew and blew. My cheeks throbbed. I was lightheaded. I had to sit down while I did the second half of them. I accidentally INHALED more than once and was rewarded with a mouthful of salmonella.

I finally finished. I had, let's see, 15 eggs? 24? Oh, no, I have SEVEN.

Then I printed out some adorbs Kate Spade wallpaper patterns. I was all "La la la, I'll wrap the paper around the egg, slap some goop on it, and voila! Fancy eggs!"

NOTE: Apparently, you can't WRAP a flat piece of paper around an oddly shaped EGG. Stupid math! (Or is it geometry?) I had to cut each cute pattern into strips and slap them on the egg, smearing the Modge Podge all over, which made the perfect colors run. And is it just me or is the salmonella making this room SUPER hot?!

So it was like my first failed craft project. And I guess it wasn't a "failure" but they do NOT look like the fancy, intricate eggs my aunts made. Mine look like I woke up in the middle of the night and did them in my sleep. Whoops. Also? I didn't do the second coat yet. And I only did four out of seven. Here they are...

I suppose it's best to get my half-assed efforts out of the way this weekend, though, because I've got a full plate this week and need to get some things seriously accomplished. Because if I do my taxes or have a happy hour with the same level of meh-ness, it will not be good.

How was your weekend? Did you give it your all?


cindi said...

Cheer up....when you get will get better at it !

Aunt Sarah said...

They are beautiful!!! Good job!!!!

grandmaman said...

They are very pretty! Good work!

Rachel Wedlund said...

Here's a million dollar business idea for you -- sell eggs already blown out, ready to decorate.
(Of course, it sounds like you are going to need an engineer, or your aunts, to work on manufacturing for you).
-Rachel W