Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Dear Crabby - Game of Thrones Edition

So, I've just recently caught up on the second season of Game of Thrones. If you don't like or watch the show or read the books, uh, I don't know what to tell you. (Granted, I've only made it through the second book myself. Whatevs.) This week I've only gotten questions about medieval problems. You guys? Winter is coming.

Dear Crabby,
My husband was recently beheaded and my son my is kind of bossing me around since then. What, is he like the KING of me? I really just want my daughters back because they've been taken prisoner of the evil, product-of-incest, teenage King. What do I do?
Thanks pal,
Catherine, Queen of No One

Hey there, Cat,
Men! They are incorrigible, amiright?! Listen, my advice to you is to probably just not do anything to screw anyone over. These men, these KINGS, are so INSECURE! You can't hurt his feelings, and you can't exactly challenge him to a duel. So, my advice to you is to play dumb. Twirl your hair and act like you know NOTHING of war. Then, when he's least expecting it, go ahead and solve the war. Just flirt your way through negotiations and try and marry the least revolting, yet most powerful, man ever. You'll be Queen in no time!

Dear Crabby,
Listen, I know how this will sound. But I had like three babies with my twin sister. I INTENDED to use them to strengthen our claim to the throne, but everyone is all "NASTY! Your twin sister?! Gross!" Everything is just falling apart, though. Our eldest son is crazy and I'm only kind of PRETTY SURE that it's a result know. His parents' twincest. How can I "reign" him in?
Muchas gracias,
Drama King

Hey there, Drama King,
Well, you sound pretty nasty. I hope you get captured by your enemies and are kept in a cage. Do you know the biological - and legal! - repercussions of sleeping with your twin?! GROSS! You disgust me, yo. I only hope that your effed up family comes to some horrible, bloody demise. Best of luck, sicko!

Dear Crabby,
So I'm no good at fighting so my parents gave me to a barbaric gang of men who protect the entire world from zombies. I've never had any sort of skills with the ladies, and I'm pretty overweight. But since my time of being surrounded by men and oaths of honor, I think I've found my chutzpah. I'm ready to get back out there, any suggestions?
With love and hugs,
Sam Hugsalot

Hey there, Sam,
Listen, ladies are a tricky business. While we like bravery, we don't like idiocy. You seem to have made a horrible decision to focus on brotherhood, rather than womanhood. It will only invite questions for a lass of why you've spent so many...SO MANY...years in the company of men. I say that you defect immediately if you love her. Just take off. It's not like you have GPS. Just take off, pillage your woman and live peacefully somewhere that the Night Walkers can't find you. I'm thinking Jamaica.

Hopefully I've been able to help all you crazy, medieval nutjobs with your "problems". Have you guys NOT heard of jobs crisis we are facing?! If you have a not-so-crazy-but-equally-entertaining question for Crabby, go ahead and email and I'll get the job done.

No comments: