Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Dear Crabby

This just in: Breaking news on PimpleGate 2012. Remember a couple nights ago when I told you guys I had a person growing out of my forehead in the form of World's Biggest Zit? Well, I tried to "fix it" tonight. My roommate Andrew came home, took one look at me from INSIDE OF HIS CAR and said, "Whoa, what happened to your forehead? Did you run into a wall?" Needless to say, it is not better. In fact, it is much, much worse. Let's move on to things I CAN fix, shall we?

Dear Crabby,
I just got a new puppy and I LOOOOVE her! She's a little naughty so far and has had a few, uh, accidents in my shoes. I know your roommates foster pups like mine, so any suggestions? What would you do?
Puppy Love

Hey Puppy Love,
Full disclosure: I don't know what to tell you because my roommies always deal with the "accidents". I gag and tear up at the mere mention of a pooper scooper. Case in point: The latest dog we had, who got adopted today (THANK GOD!), was perfectly wonderful to begin with. All of a sudden, he started pooping. We were glad that he did it on the concrete floor in the laundry room every time. But then all of a sudden, his bowels apparently stopped working altogether. He pooped EVERYWHERE. We left him on the porch yesterday morning while we all went to work, and I was the first one home. I took one look in the porch and the Exorcist had made a visit. There was poop and pee EVERYWHERE. The dog had eaten my moccasin. He ripped open a baggie of bottle caps. He scooted the poop across the floor. And then he had the nerve to stand there, looking at me through the window, WAGGING HIS TAIL. I gagged for 10 minutes and hightailed it over to my parents to escape the carnage. So, I guess what I'm telling you, Puppy Love, is to get a roommate who will clean that all up for you. Or invest in puppy diapers.

Dear Crabby,
There's some chick who is really good friends with my boyfriend who is ALWAYS AROUND. He seems to really get along with her and they've known each other for awhile. But I cannot STAND her. She's like little Miss Perfect all the time. She's talented and smart and generally likable. Why do I HATE her so much? And how can I get her out of the WAY!?
Much Love, Crabster,
Girl Fight

Slow your roll, Girl Fight!
Listen, I know how you feel. I have known many a "gal pals" in my life. I've actually BEEN the "gal pal" on many occasions. One thing they/we all have in common is that they/we are only as threatening as you let them/us be. One method I find effective in eradicating a fenemy (FEMALE ENEMY - I just made that up. It's MINE) is to prey on her insecurities. What's that? She doesn't have any? Make one up. Say something like "You know what I love about you? I just love how unconcerned you are with that unsightly nose hair. You go girl!" Or maybe tell your bf that she spies on him while he sleeps. This is only helpful IF SHE IS THREATENING. If she just happens to be a cool chick who sees some of the great qualities in your BF that you do, who cares? You're the one who's got him now and if you're not careful, you're the one who could ruin it all. If she does suck, though, all's fair in love and "gal pals."

Dear Crabby,
I'm torn!!! I've been known as Krissy my whole life, but I'm really considering going by Kristin now. It just sounds more professional, right? I mean, I don't want to give up "Krissy" forever, because it's, like who I am you know? I just feel like I need to be more grown up. What do you think??
Thank you!
Identity CRISIS!!!!!

Dear Identity Crisis,
You sound pretty irritating. I'm sure I don't care WHAT you "go by". Krissy? Kristin? Who cares? My name is PHARON for crying out loud. Pick one and go with it. Or don't. This just does not register as a "real problem" to me. I'm sure whatever people call you will be just fine. Like, right?!

Well, my forehead is throbbing so I guess that means it's time to call it a night and go back to staring at my underdeveloped twin emerging from my face in the mirror. If my twin doesn't eat me in the next week, I'll be back with more answers next week! Email your questions to and me and my Zit Twin will tend to all your emotional boo boos.

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