For Your (Useless) Information

It's day 3 of my major purge efforts. I've gutted my closet, my shoes, my makeup and my sock drawer. Tonight I tackled my super messy desk. So, I was going through all these papers and whatnot and found an envelope. On the outside it read "IMPORTANT PAPERS." I was all "Oooh, what could be in HERE?" Turns out? It was full of super important papers. And by "full of super important papers" I of course mean "full of useless garbage that no longer makes sense." Tomato, tomahto.

College people do not know what "IMPORTANT PAPERS" are. At least I didn't. The first thing I found was a handwritten list my friend Madeline and I had compiled called "People We Want to Marry". On the list was like "Person who invented beer. Person who invented F.A.C. and The Vikings." Aim high, ladies. Don't wanna lose THAT gem of a document!

There was an old check register. Completely empty. Turns out my fiscal responsibility developed at an older age...However, there was ALSO an unopened bank statement from my college bank, which could arguably be referred to as "important". My guess is that I was too scared to open the Letter From The Bank but figured I may have to refer back to it should I have to file for bankruptcy or something. At least that shows some long-term planning skills.

I also found a clipping out of a phone book (what's a phone book!?) that was an ad for something apparently. It had a drawing of a dad holding a baby...well, you guys just need to see this.

Um, guys?? What kind of person not only cuts that out of a phone book but then makes a conscious decision to add it to an envelope supposedly dedicated to "Important Papers"? The kind of person who STILL thinks it's funny, that's who...

Eventually, I found some old pictures of me looking skinny that I concurred were indeed important. And also a poem I had written for my best girlfriends in college - which was hilarious. I moved those to my NEW grown-up "Important Papers" folder with health insurance and 401(K) info.

Among the other vital pieces of information were a laminated beer label (what?! Where did I get access to a laminating machine? Also, why was I ever drinking Bud Light?), a Gap receipt for what appears to be a $75 sweater, a user guide for my Nokia cell phone, an empty matchbook, and a note from a bartender at our favorite bar. It read "ALREADY BEEN HERE!" and it was our free pass back into the bar because there was a $10 cover and we really wanted to leave and get a grilled cheese sandwich. That note was basically world's coolest Get in Free pass. That definitely went into my new "Important Things" folder.

I wasn't sure if I should be pleased or disappointed in myself. On the one hand, it really shows that life was a little simpler back then. On the other hand, it was proof that I had some growing up to do. Now, I just need to come to terms with the fact that I decided to KEEP that phone book ad and a permission slip from a bartender in my new grown-up folder.