Dear Crabby

Well, that was fun. I met my friend Nick for a drink and some apps because that jerkface is leaving us here in the Mini Apple to move in with his girlfriend in the Big Apple. I warned him about the rats, but he promised he'd keep one as a pet and name her Punky. So, you know, that was...weird. Anyhoozle, good luck on your travels, former roommie. Try and not be disappointed when your gf does not have as many pairs of super awesome sweatpants as I do. Okay, so let's get on it!

Dear Crabby, Do you ever get that...not so fresh feeling? What do you do about it?
Love you!
Summer's Stephanie

Hey there, SS...
That question is a little something we bloggers call "OMG, gross...why are you talking to a stranger about that!?" (It's a technical term.) I think the bigger problem here is that you have a freaky need to share highly personal (and gnarly) information with a person you've never met. Have you never heard of WebMD? Or, I don't know, SEEING A DOCTOR? Sorry, hun, that sounds like a problem between you and some antibiotics. Good luck...

Dear Crabby,
I'll get to the point. I've got a big a$$. I love it, personally. It's perky and fun and all that. You know? So, one of my friends made a comment to another friend of ours that I needed to "get my fat a$$ to the gym." WTF is up with that?! Should I say anything? Is it as rude as I think it is?
Thank you, Crabby!
No Ifs Ands or Butts

Listen here, NIAOB,
Never, for ONE SECOND let some skinny tart tell you your a$$ is fat. If you LOVE it? I say flaunt it. I myself have long prided myself on the fact that Sir Mix-A-Lot was talking ABOUT ME when he expressed his love for big butts. Full disclosure? I wrote a whole paper about how much I loved my hindquarters in college. You know what grade I got? AN 'A'. And the professor also requested that I workshop it with the class. Should I have been too self-aware to share a paper about my butt with a class full of strangers? YES. Was I? No. Turns out, everyone loved it, though. I'm not bragging, it's just cold, hard facts. My point is that if you like your butt, or any part of your body for that matter, go ahead and LOVE IT. The best thing that any of us can do, in this world of jerkwads trying to keep us down, is take some pride in our own favorite things. And you know what? I say that if you are as upset about what your friend said as I would be, go ahead and confront her. It's bad enough being judged by strangers and haters. You shouldn't have to deal with it from your own friends.

Dear Crabby,
Is it douchey for a guy to wear a gold chain?
Send Help,
Gold Digger

Heeeeeeey Gold Digger,
Personally? Yes, I think it's "douchey", as you so eloquently put it. Guys and necklaces just don't do it for me. See, I've dated necklace-wearers. They were all pretty terrible people. Could that be a coincidence? Sure. But it's probably not. Geo doesn't have necklaces. He has several watches, way too many hats, cuff links, tie clips, and even a ring that he wears. But he does NOT wear necklaces. I super appreciate that about him. (Although, he did just tell me that the only way he'd wear a necklace was if it was a half heart and I had the other half. Then he laughed, grew 50 more chest hairs and punched a brick wall.) The point is, no average dude should wear a necklace. If he's a rapper or a priest, he can wear a necklace (odd that those two are so similar in appropriate neck wear). Other than that? No. I don't care if he calls it a chain or a necklace...it's very likely he shouldn't wear either.

How'd that go? I took some firmer stances than I usually do, so if I got it wrong, lemme have it. Go ahead and slap your two cents in the comments. For those of you with burning questions (NOT burning sensations...) go ahead and email pharonsquare@gmail.com. Thanks, ya'll!!