Dear Crabby

(OMG, again, I'm sorry about the funky spacing issues. Blogger is out to ruin my life.)

Yaaaay! Here's an all new batch of Dear Crabby questions! And awaaaaay we go!

Dear Crabby,
So, I got into a few colleges and I think I've picked out my top choice, but there's a problem. Um, I don't wanna go to college. My parents are really the ones who want me to go, but I have a great job at this laser hair removal clinic. I'm going through some training there and think I have a pretty solid future. Leaving for college is just not on my list of priorities. Also, I kind of picked a college thinking I'd never have to go there, so now I'm not liking my choice. Should I talk to my parents? What should I say?


Thank you!
Gettin' Schooled


Hey Gettin' Schooled,
I'm totally biased. You should definitely go to college if you have the opportunity to do so. First, it delays adulthood by a minimum of four years, which is great. Second, depending on the college you chose, there are probably tons of classes you can take and learn something crazy...in my case, I took a Shakespeare class, classic Greek literature, and relaxation techniques. Yup, that's a real class! Thanks, Big Ten! It's surprisingly interesting! And finally? COLLEGE IS FUN. Parties are FUN. Accidentally missing your Astronomy lecture because you are washing the tequila out of your hair is FUN. The point is, jobs will always be out there to ruin your life. Take a little hiatus and get yourself to campus. Soak up the ridiculousness and you won't regret it, I promise.


Dear Crabby,
My next door neighbor has this horrible dog that barks NONSTOP and wakes me up at all hours barking. Can I slip him a sedative without getting in trouble?


Word,
Doggone Mad

Hello Doggone Mad,
I'm pretty sure you can't give an animal a drug without a prescription. Can you write it a prescription? It'd be ADORABLE to watch a doggie go to Target and walk up to the pharmacy counter with a little prescription attached his wittle collar. Omg, would he pay for it with a MUTTStercard?! Squeee! Anyhoozle, sorry, I'm all in lovey-dog mode. I say you walk over there and talk to your neighbors. Could they keep the dog inside until like 9 a.m. whatever? Stop putting him outside after 10 p.m.? Whatever. Also, you COULD just go over there and him like some giant, monster bone that will keep him occupado for awhile. Love pugs, not drugs!! (OMG! What has HAPPENED to me?!)


Dear Crabby,
I've been seeing my awesome boyfriend for a few weeks now. We are totally in that "honeymoon" phase, but something keeps kind of nagging at me. Sometimes, he doesn't answer my texts for, like, hours. When I call him during the day at work, you know, just to tell him I love him and hope he's having a good day, he sends me right to voicemail. I sent him this really cool bouquet of flowers with a note that said "Roses are red, violets are blue, but unlike these flowers, I would die for you." and he didn't even call to say thank you! Then the other night, I drove by his house to see what he was up to. (Sometimes I'll just cruise by and see if I can see what he's doing through his windows.) And he was sitting on his couch, looking into his computer and laughing. I think he was webcam chatting with someone because he was, like, making funny faces and pointing towards his monitor. I got closer and saw there was some chick talking back to him. Is he cheating on me? Should I confront him? What's going on?


Thanks!
Concerned Girlfriend

Oh, Concerned Girlfriend...
How do I break this to you gently? This isn't easy to say, but yeah. He's cheating on you. (Hey! Turns out that WAS easy to say!) It sounds like you are pretty insane. I mean, from this question, I can't even be entirely sure he KNOWS he's your boyfriend, so I guess it might not even be considered "cheating." (Does he know you're dating each other? Has he taken you out on dates - and paid?)  I'm sorry, my lovely, crazy Square, but this sounds like a Lifetime movie that ends, well, poorly. Think: You lying on the floor next to a crazy scrapbook with photoshopped pictures of your imaginary babies with a knife in your sternum while he stands over you wondering who the crazy lady is who broke into his house and tried to steal his hair. I say, um, it's time to move on. To the asylum.

Yay! These were good questions, guys! Thanks for sending your messed up little nuggets of crazy to me! Don't forget, you other nerds, to email pharonsquare@gmail.com with any little issue that is gnawing atcha! Love you guys!