Dear Crabby

Hey Squares. What's shaking? I've written...oh...9 blogs today and I'm creatively drained. Good thing it's time for Dear Crabby! I need these prompts like Kim Kardashian needs a staff of lawyers on retainer. Awayyyyyy we go!

Dear Crabby,
How old is too old to get a body part pierced? I'm 36 and have always wanted to stick a shiny diamond in my snotty nose. Will it look dumb??
Thanks,
Waiting with anticipiercing


Hey there, Waiting-
Okay, so this is weird. Not even ONE week ago did I break the news to my friend Rachel at work that I had my eyebrow pierced for like 5 or 6 years. She was shocked. I know, I'm so wholesome! So I, of course, am biased. I love piercings. I like small, unobtrusive ones, though. Ears are great. Eyebrows, noses, you know. Ew, except those disgusting ones that stretch earlobes out enough to fit my fist though. Those are just gnarly. But I am a fan of piercings. I got mine done on a whim. On my way to a class in college. My parents hated it at first. But this girl pulled it off. When it came time for my sister Prinna's wedding, my mom even said "You know, you can leave it in. I don't even notice it anymore." Hooray! I've even considered getting it done again. Don't tell my parents. Anyhoozle, my advice is that if you keep it small and classy, you can get away with a piercing. Yes, even at 36. Just don't get any crazy-big gauges or those creepy bars. I say do it! Send in a pic if you do!!

Dear Crabby,
My wife wants to start having kids. I'm definitely not ready. I love our lives now, and I'm still into going out and not being broke. Also, I think babies smell bad and have oddly large heads. How can I break the news to her?
Thanks,
Not the Only Boy Against Babies (just) Yet

Hey there, NO BABY-
Yes, babies smell bad. And YES they look suspiciously like aliens with their huge heads. But, unfortunately, it is a well-known fact that what a lady wants, a lady gets. Your wife will win this fight. Or you'll get divorced. Your choice. You could probably delay the, uh, event, but eventually you'll be wiping a butt that isn't yours. And the weird thing about kids is that even though you hate everyone else's, you'll have no choice but to love your own. It's God's way of making us grow up. I say just have an honest conversation with the wifey. Tell her you're freaked out that you're going to miss out on all the fun us non-breeders are still having. But try - JUST TRY - to listen to her when she tells you about what she wants. I mean, she's going to win, but try and be cool about it. And take heart! You'll still have plenty of fun whispering in the garage with the guys while you drink beer and talk about poop and spit up. Yay!

Crabby Crabby Crabby...
What's with all the hipsters?
Aloha,
Hipster Hater

Hi HH,
I'm SO OVER hipsters. Now, PLEASE let me get back to hating everything and shining up my lensless glasses...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand.....scene. Good questions this week, dudes! Thanks for giving me stuff to write about so I didn't have to come up with any of my own material. Help me out for next week, wouldja?! Email your questions to pharonsquare@gmail.com and we'll get you all fixed up.