Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Dear Crabby

Hooray! It's time for another installment of Deeeeeeear Crabby! Are you as psyched as I am? Probably not... Let's get started.

Dear Crabby,
I feel like a total loser admitting this, but I really need some advice. I am a 27-year-old guy, and I'm sort of, um, afraidofthedark. I know, I know. It's pathetic! But I can't help it. Beyond suggestions of therapy or just "manning up," do you have any tips for how to deal with it? Usually it would be no problem. I just sleep with my light on. But I've started dating a girl who I really like, and she's started spending the night at my house every once in a while lately. For the first couple nights, I just stayed up, freaked out and scared out of my mind. Then I started turning the TV on and muting it, but she said the lights kept her up. What can I do?
Let the taunting begin...
Dude in the Dark

Hey Dude,
MOI?! Make FUN of a reader? NEVER! I mean, I'm not one to pick on the pathetic. (Though if I were, I'd say something like "What scaaaaary thing do you think is lurking in the dark? COMMITMENT?! Ha!") Okay, so this sounds like a real problem. I personally need to sleep with SOUND, like a TV, otherwise I start hearing all the freaky house sounds. I say you need to get her to adjust to the light that you need. That's certainly easier than you adjusting to peeing your pants while your heart races in bed. Turn on the TV after she's fallen asleep, for example. Or, get her like an adorable Overnight Kit. Chicks love theme presents! Get like a toothbrush, some sample-size toiletries for her, a brush, and then get her one of those sleeping eye masks. The satin kind. They're AWESOME. Geo says I look like a freaky bug when I wear mine, but whatevs. It'll block the light for her and make her feel all pampered and crap. That way, you can turn on a light, suck your thumb and sleep like the big ol' baby you are. (Sorry, had to get one jab in...)

Dear Crabby,
So, I'm considering getting a nose job. I've had this bump in the middle of my nose for as long as I can remember. Half my friends say they like my nose and they say it adds "character" to my face. The other half are all "Gee, took ya long enough." I'm torn, though! What if something goes wrong? What if it looks worse? What if I become addicted to plastic surgery!? Do you think I should do it?
Thanks pal,
Who Nose?

Well hello, Nose,
I'm pretty sure plastic surgery is one of the most personal decisions a gal may ever have to make. I have no idea what your nose looks like now. Is it, like, super ugly and ruining your career or something? Then sure, go in and get your "deviated septum" fixed. Plenty of people do it, and it's probably as safe as any other procedure. It won't look worse, unless they accidentally ADD TO the bump. So no worries there. But if you're this unsure about the decision, I say hold off. Take some time to smell the roses with your giant shnoz and think about it. That bump isn't going anywhere, so you've got time to think this through. After you're sure what YOU want to do, be confident in your decision and stop asking other people for their advice. Especially mine!

Dear Crabby,
What's WRONG with guys!? Why are they all such jerks?! I am sick of being treated like crap by idiot men who only care about watching TV and drinking beer. I deserve more, right?
MEN SUCK!!!!!!!!!

You're a little scary right now. Sorry you probably just got dumped, but don't go knocking TV watching and beer drinking and then expect ME to have sympathy for you. I don't come to YOUR house and hate on YOUR hobbies. Anyway, guys are jerks because you are attracted to jerks. That's why. Not ALL guys are jerks. I know literally ones and twos of semi-normal, pseudo-thoughtful dudes. So the reason all the guys you like are mean to you and watch TV and drink beer and then dump you is because you're shopping in wrong department. Instead of browsing in the little boys department where they have men in hockey jerseys and hoodies, head on up to the Men's department, where they have guys in suits with manners and no mommy issues. Voila! You'll be jerk-free in no time. That, or take the stick outta your butt and watch some TV with the poor guy.

Another excellent week, guys! Help me out in the comments if you think I missed anything. And, as usual, email your freaky queries to and I'll throw you the lifeline you so desperately need. Thanks ya'll!

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