Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dear Crabby - They're Baaaaack!

Eeee! I'm so excited! I've finally accumulated a few follow-ups from AWESOME previous Dear Crabby questions! I'll try to find the original posts to link to, but honestly? Tonight's Netflix is all about Louis C.K., so we'll see what happens. But I'm so excited to see how my brillz advice has affected people!

Dear Crabby,
So, awhile back I emailed you asking for some advice. I was told by a psychic that my heart was closed off and I was asking you what you thought about it all. Honestly, I didn't think your advice was helpful at all. But then a few months later, a friend of mine said something to me along the lines of "Why are you so worried about what other people think? Just breathe and go with your heart!" And I remember that you told me nearly the same thing. Except not as nice. I started making some conscious changes and gradually, things started looking up. I went back and read your response and it made me a little bummed that I didn't listen to you sooner. So, despite your efforts to downplay your smarts, I wanted to say thanks. I may not have FOLLOWED your advice, but I know now that it was right on.
Your New and Faithful Devotee,
Ouija Help Me Out Here?!
(Original question found here)

Well, well, well, OHMOH...
I really wanna rub this in yo' face, but I found myself genuinely pleased that your life is better because of me. Even though it wasn't DIRECTLY because of me. I was right. You were wrong. And that makes me happy. Fur reals, tho...I'm glad that your friend was able to knock some sense into you. Whoever he/she is sounds awesome and you should keep him/her around. And have him/her call me so he/she can start answering Dear Crabby's for me!

Dear Crabby,
Yeah, THANKS FOR NOTHING. Listen, I wasn't exactly expecting psychological expertise when I asked you a simple effing question. All I knew was that you seemed like a normal chick who had a bunch of roommates. When I ASKED you how to confront my smelly [expletive deleted] roommate, you gave me the most PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE [expletive deleted] answer ever. Really? Is that how you deal with problems? I've got some advice for YOU, honey. Grow a pair and stop giving other people advice.
Get Over Yourself,
Patchouli Problem
(Original question found here)

DULY NOTED. Sheesh, you sound like a treat. I can't imagine why my advice to try and politely handle a touchy situation failed for you. Because, I mean, you sound AWESOME. And by "awesome" I mean "like the devil." You are  insane and rude and usually I dig those traits in people, but not when they are used AGAINST me. Calm the eff down, lady. You asked an anonymous blogger about how to deal with a hippie roommate. What did you want me to say? Set her patchouli stash on fire? Report her to the police? Dude, get a grip. My NON-PROFESSIONAL guess is that your smelly roommate ultimately moved out of living with YOU because you are a horrible person. Best of luck to you, you wretched, wretched person.

Dear Crabby,
So, I know sometimes you are looking for people to write back and let you know if your advice helped. And I don't know if you care or not, but I don't really think you gave me much of an answer when I initially wrote in last month. My boyfriend had broken up with me and I was really struggling with trying to get over it. On the one hand, I liked how you agreed with me that it was a hard thing to handle. And I even liked how you acknowledged that a break up can, simply, hurt a person's feelings. But then you just kind of left me hanging. You made a joke about living with cats forever and a pat on my head. Is that really considered "advice"? 
Thank you, Crabby, and I promise to still read! :)
Adele's Got Nothin' On Me
(Original question found here)

My dear reader,
I really do feel bad that I couldn't give you more of an answer. The truth is, though, NO ONE knows what to do after a breakup because they suck and they are hard. People gain 100 pounds, lose 100 pounds, have a bunch of one-night stands or never date again. There's no one answer. There's no one solution. So no, I guess nothing I said was technically "advice." I've been there before, lady, and I know that nothing anyone says TRULY helps the broken-hearted. Except John Mayer and Adele. Could you imagine these two collaborating on an album?! They could call "Let's all just slit our wrists now and be okay with it." So yeah, I dunno, AGNOM. It's hard now. But I promise it will get easier. Just hang in there, kitty! Keep me posted...for realsies!!

Um, so...what is that - a 33 percent success rate? I mean, that is GOOD, right? UGH, MATH! Granted, these are the only three who have written a follow-up, so it's hard to know how many lives I've changed and/or improved. I would LOOOOOVE it if more people wrote in and filled us all in how AMAZING I am. And if you're like good ol' Patchouli Julie up there (Question #2), at LEAST try and make your response a little more thoughtful, mmmkay? I give my answers at least 2 minutes of thought, so I'd really expect the same from a criticism. As a reminder, email all your thoughts, questions and critiques to me at Good? Great? WONDERFUL!

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