Size Matters

Okay, so last summer, my brother Perek lost his wedding ring in the lake at my parents cabin and still hasn't found it. He even brought his scuba equipment out to find it, with no luck. So when we were there this past weekend, I kept having these visions of my engagement ring drifting down into the murky depths and I just took it off for the whole weekend. I decided it was time to finally get my ring sized so it doesn't slip off my finger and into Finding Nemo's mouth. 

Wait, SIZED or RESIZED? 

Turns out, that was one of the most confusing questions in all of jewelry-dom. I thought I would take about 15 minutes to run to the store, have 'em size me and call me tomorrow when it was ready to be picked up. Spoiler alert: I was wrong in every way.

Okay, so I did my best to look and smell as broke as I am so that the vultures at the store would leave me alone, but that only sort of worked. I walked in, and said "Hi. I need my ring sized." 

The dude said "Sized or REsized?" 

I said "There's a difference?"

He laughed condescendingly before ushering me over to the bridal jewelry section. He said "Oooh, I can tell you've had this ring for some time. Have you considered a new band?"

I said "Um. I got it in March. From here. If it's already as worn as you think it is, I should maybe consider asking for a refund."

We shared a very polite and awkward laugh before he led me far, far away from the bridal jewelry.

So, he slips some other rings on and says "Well, whaddya think?" I was all "Um, I don't know, what size am I?" He laughs again (did I miss a joke?) and says "Oh, well, YOU need to tell ME that!" I said "Um, okay, well, the 5 feels a little tight and the 4 1/2 feels a little tighter. Which do I choose?" And he said "Well, do you want a little tight or a little tighter?"

I nearly turned and walked of the store just then. Instead, I said "Well, I guess the 5. You don't have anything in between?" He said "No," (which was a LIE!) "I'm sure you're a 5. Probably. You can bring it back in if it's still too big." I said "I'd really like to avoid that."

More uncomfortable laughing.

Okay, we decide on the 5 and he's asking me all my information. When I spell my name - P.H.A.R.O.N for anyone new around here - a woman sidles up to him and nods, knowingly.

Woman: Travis, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Travis (apparently): Totally!

Me: ... [I say nothing because I couldn't care less about what these two are thinking.]

Woman and Travis, simultaneously: THE INITIAL PENDANT!

What they said next is very, VERY real. 

Woman: Listen, I couldn't help but overhearing your wonderful name!

Me: Thanks. I love it!

Woman: So, I shouldn't tell you this, but we have this A-MAY-ZING white gold pendant with an initial on it that was $160 but is marked down to $20!!!!

Travis: Oh, Suzy is right! It's a crazy-good deal. You can't pass this up. 

Suzy (apparently): One small thing, though. The initial is an F. But you could totally pass for an F!

I'll let that sink in.

I politely decline while banging my head against the counter. I say "I'm in more of a gold phase right now, but thanks. Also, people are already confused enough about my name, so I shouldn't make it worse." Then Suzy says "Well, you could TELL people it's an F, like as a joke!" and Travis helpfully adds, "Oooh! Or a nickname!"

Ugh. WHAT?! 

I say no, and try to get things moving by not-so-subtly picking my nose. That seems to do the trick and they tell me my ring will be ready in a short THREE WEEKS. Because I seriously believed they would replace my diamond with a letter F in that time, I tell them that's too long and go to a different location, with much MUCH saner workers who assured me the sizing (I am a 4 3/4, like I suspected) would be done this week, sans initials of any kind.

The moral of the story is that Travis and Suzy are the worst things about everything.