Question: Do ANY of my friends read my blog?
Follow up question: If you do, have you COMPLETELY missed the blogs about me being in a lifelong fight with heat?! I mean seriously. There's this one, this one, this one, this one, this one and just so many others. the point is, I have made it perfectly clear to everyone that this lady doesn't do hot.
So you can imagine my surprise when Geo asked me to go to an ultimate Frisbee game today. A bunch of his old teammates were in a huge match against college all-stars, and for once, he really wanted me to tag-along.
There were several things working against me from the very beginning on this adventure. Yes, I knew it was hot outside. I thought I could get through it with a dark blue sundress and little else. I was all "I got this..." The halter strings on the neck are just an eeeensy bit too short, so my neck is constantly flexed. I had forgotten alllll about that until I was in the car and like "Ugh, my neck hurts." Strike one.
We get to the fields and get out of the car. PUNCH! The very angry heat hit me in the face like a brick through a window. I was like "I can do this. I can do this. I just need a slight breeze to blow through at a constant speed and I'll be just fine." At that very second, the wind not only STOPPED, it somehow started sucking back up the air that I was trying to grasp into my lungs. It was a vacuum. A DYSON vacuum.
I told Geo I was too hot to sit still for the 45 minutes before the match even started. I took his car and drove to the gas station for water. Lots of water. And a popsicle. I parked back at the fields and just sat in the car. I had 4 vents of high-blast a.c. directly at my face. I was numbing my lips with the popsicle, with the cold water bottle resting on my legs. I thought, "Enjoy this moment, Pharon, because it will be your last enjoyable minute of the afternoon."
I was not wrong. See, the ultimate Frisbee community is a tight-knit group of people. Mentally, emotionally, but mostly physically. I sat in the stands with a couple hundred people who had no problem sitting close enough to each other to lick off their b.o. So, not only was I aggressively sweating, but I was tasting the sweat of everyone around me.
Also, I was definitely the ONLY NON-FRISBEE PLAYING PERSON IN THE CROWD. The guys were all inside-joke cheering, and the girls all sat in their Frisbee team outfits, glistening, not dripping, with perspiration. Oh, did I mention that they are all like 25? I suddenly felt very aware of my non-neon colored sunglasses and my general distaste for composting and ironic jean shorts.
Around the hour mark of wiping off my sweaty forehead with the back of my sweaty hand, I started rethinking my priorities in life. What kind of man would bring me to the gates of hell and then insist on touching my sweaty back and ask repeatedly if I'm enjoying myself?! When Geo saw this wasn't helping, he tried another tactic. He'd say "We are three minutes away from the sun going down and being in the shade. Two minutes. Omg, we are halfway in the shade. WE ARE IN THE SHADE." That helped a lot because it gave me something to look forward to, other than meeting the devil.
The game ended, I had lost 45 pounds and all of it was pooled in the fabric of my uncomfortable dress, and I had nearly broken up with Geo 10 times out heat rage. But we made it back home, and spent the night inside, watching movies. And luckily, since the heat fried the part of my brain that keeps short-term memory, I was able to look back and decide that it wasn't so bad...although, something tells me Geo won't be inviting me to many more Frisbee matches...at least until September.