Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Dear Crabby

Hey guys. Let's just get down to bidness tonight, shall we? I'm sleepy and I got a harsh reality check that Geo is only here for three more weekends, so I'm exhausted AND super bummed. Yeah. So, let's just get on with bigger problems.

Dear Crabby,
I recently left my husband of over 6 years. We have a daughter together, and she's awesome and I have full custody. My career has kind of re-surged since I left him, because he's kind of known as a nutjob. Should I feel bad that I have enjoyed nothing but success since filing for divorce? He's older and I don't know how he'll recover.
Thanks, Miss Crabby,
J. Potter

Joey Potter, is that you?! You're not fooling anyone, Katie Holmes! I say you should NOT feel bad. Have fun being back in the warm embrace of sanity, Catholicism and New York. Mr. Cruise will bounce back...he always does. I say move on and maybe shack up with James Van Der Beek or Joshua Jackson or something. Either way, welcome back to the real world!!!

Dear Crabby,
So, ugh. I'm, like, in REAL big trouble here. It's just that....guhhhhhhhh...I just, like, totally made a mistake and, like, CHEATED on my charming, British boyfriend. We've been in some projects together, you know? And everyone, like, totally always thought, like, we a THING. But I'm just, like SO against the Hollywood scene that I, ughhh, didn't want to, you know, like, fall victim to that. I'm just a regular, whiney, expressionless chick, right? But, egghghhgh...I just like totally made a mistake and shacked up with the, you know, the director of my latest project. It's like, you know, SO CLICHE. But on top of the SHAME over being, like, so totally predictable, I just TOOOOTALLY hurt the only person who could ever, like, stand my scrunchie face and horrible habit of like, just squeezing my head. What, like can I DO to get this guy to, you know, like NOT leave me alone in the abyss that is fame? 
Thank you - or whatever,
I Have No Emotion/Heart 

Ugh. Gee, IHNE/H,
You sound like a treat. Just kidding, you sound like a major beyotch. I know what you did, K-Stew, and now you are just another Hollywood chick who complains all the time about not being taken seriously and then bangs the director - WHO IS MARRIED, BTW! I mean, I knew you couldn't act, but I didn't realize you were so UNCREATIVE! I hope Robert Pattinson leaves you - then again, British men have had their own share of embarrassing sexual encounters, so who knows? The only worse than your nasty behavior is the fact that you have acted in real life the way to "act" in movies - poorly and with zip charisma and charm. Good luck, lady. You'll, like, totally need it.

Dear Crabby,
Any advice for other newly-engaged women? I just got engaged after having, like, a billion children with my boyfriend. I'd like to really get into wedding shape a.s.a.p. because we are looking at having our wedding during the next full moon on Mars. Besides only drinking blood and filling up on my own ego, is there any other advice you'd give? Oh, and I'm also looking for a good dress style that suits my body and lifestyle. I'm a vampire who steals babies and tattoos my body with proof of all the souls I've stolen. Thoughts?
Mchisy Gorwsin (Or "Thank you" in my native Martian language)
Princess Skeletor

Dear Princess Skeletor,
You creep me out. My suggestion is to let Brad Pitt out of your evil web of mind-control and move to Moldova or some other place that may or may not be a real place. As long as I don't have to see you, I don't care what you do. Just leave Mr. Pitt behind...he used to be pretty hot, if I'm remembering him correctly from his pre-molester-facial hair phase.

Aaaaaaaand cut! Exit stage left, blah blah blah. I think we've really helped some people here today, you guys. If you "regular people" have any "regular problems," go ahead and send your questions to Fin.

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