Thursday, July 19, 2012

All I do is hit home runs

Geo has this saying. Every time he solves a problem, fixes something or something just works out in his favor, he always says, "Pharon. You know why this worked out? Because all I do is hit home runs." Things don't just fall into place for people the way they fall into place for Geo. Therefore, he has an inflated sense of his own capabilities. Tonight, though, I finally felt his same (false) sense of achievement.

I made it through a tough day today. I got some stressful emails and spent some time generally putting out fires. But AFTER work is when my batting average went up significantly.

I have been tearing my hair out trying to figure out a wedding venue. Geo and I went to a place tonight that I kind of had to fight for. Turns out? The place ROCKS. I even said "It's almost too good to be true." And Geo said "Sounds like someone hit a home run." I'm pretty sure he secretly thought it was his doing, but I know it was ALL me. 

Afterwards, I wanted something to do. Geo was going to some lame Investment Club meeting, so the world was my oyster. I texted Claire to ask her a quick un-fun related question. She responded that she was out of town, but was coming back tonight. She was all " there ANY chance you would consider picking me up at the airport? I'd suuuupes appreciate it! I'll buy you a bottle of wine!" 

Now, it is important to note here that I was DESPERATE for something to do. 

So I was all "Ha! No need to buy a bottle of about a, uh, drink at Cafe Maude? I GUESS I would make that trade." I picked her up at the airport, had wonderful girl talk, sipped some wine at Maude and just generally enjoyed the cheering crowd of my latest home run.

The only thing that put my home run derby in jeopardy was the giant table of hipsters next to us at the restaurant. I was at the plate, ready to knock one out of the park and have a perfect night, when a kid with an ironic mullet ruined everything. His mom ate her steak "very well done" and was systematically distracted and had those giant holes in her earlobes that gross every other person in the world out - because HONESTLY! How long are your ears going to sag?! GNARLY. 

We sat there, trying to ignore the mullet kid and his evil parents, when Claire said "OMG, mullet kid has a glitter-pink hair tie in his mullet. His life is ruined." We toasted each other over hating hipsters when Claire nearly spit wine through her nose. "OMG, the mullet kid is NOT the same kid as the glitter hair tie kid!" I looked to the left and saw that there were two kids, with identical mullets, sitting next to each other. Then Claire stole my thunder and hit the final home run of the night.

Stewing over the most unfortunate Bobbsey twins ever, I made some amazing jokes, gave Claire a link to an amazing website (Look at this f*#&ing hipster) and was generally pleased with myself. Then Claire got quiet for a second. She looked at the hair tie kid and said "Oh. My. God. Mullet #2 is a GIRL." Then the girl turned and looked RIGHT AT CLAIRE. Instead of getting quiet and feeling bad, Claire looked right at the kid and said to me "Yeah, I'm like pretty sure that kid with a mullet is a girl."

You know why that's a home run? Because she reality-checked a PRETEEN. Claire and I decided that those kids had no chance of living normal lives if they were surrounded by hipsters. Yes, it was harsh. But you know what? Someone needs to intervene. There were fake glasses, ironic suspenders and nonsensical neck tattoos all around this young, impressionable girl. It was probably time she realized that not EVERYONE force-mullets people for the sake of being a spectacle. In fact, some people just like cool things and enjoy not looking like idiots in public.

It's not as bad as it sounds. I realize, now that I'm writing it down, it doesn't make us look too good. But rest assured, we may have saved a life today. It's like Katie Holmes divorcing Tom Cruise, which was a definite WIN against Scientology. We may have freed a young girl from the confines of a ridiculous cult hell-bent on being idiots for the sake of being idiots. Home runs all around!

So, let's all get out there and hit home runs this weekend, alright?! Get 'em, team!

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