Dear Crabby

I almost got caught today trying to peep on some girl's shoes. She rides my bus and gets off at my stop, and I LURVE these cute Sperry-looking boat shoes that she wears. Like, I love them. (She's kind of uppity and her hair is always TOO shiny, so I don't feel comfortable straight up asking her where she got her bus shoes.) But I wasn't sure of their exact brand, so I got reeeeeeal close to her as we were making our way off the bus so I could get the best view. When the bus came to screeching halt at the last second, I smashed right into her. The irony is that because I bumped her, her feet went way far forward and I couldn't see them up close anymore. And I am the girl YOU are asking for advice. Moving on...

Dear Crabby,

Can you settle a, eh hem, heated argument for me? My wife always comes to bed in like head-to-toe fleece and I always wake up sweating and rubbing up against that gnarly fleece. She said I need to get over it, and I say she needs to lay off the Cookie Monster fur. Who's right?

Thanks,
Counting Sheep...That Are Apparently Sleeping in My Bed

Hey Counting Sheep...That Are blah blah blah,

Listen, don't knock the fleece. I like it an awful lot in the middle of this freezing Minnesota winters. And, in fact, I own the coziest fleece robe in all the land. It's so warm and fuzzy and PINK! PROOF:

I love it. Geo, however, hates it and says it looks like I've wrapped myself in insulation and then he reminds me of the dangers of fiberglass. Anyhoozle, yeah. Fleece is a-okay in my book. However, and this is a big "however", I would NEVER SLEEP IN FLEECE. Yes, it makes you all sweaty, and then it doesn't allow for the absorption or evaporation of all that gross sweat. It just traps it and holds it in beads all over your body. So, I can sympathize with you. She's gotta toss the fleece. Here's my suggestion. Buy her some cute pj's that are to your liking, and then invest in some super cozy, warm sheets. It'll be a compromise you can both live with, I promise. Give that a shot, and see if you can cool off a bit.

Dear Crabby,

Is there a tactful way to tell someone that you can't stand the way they smell? Oh, and also it's my roommate. Additionally, it's patchouli and she wears it as kind of a hippie badge of honor, so she's pretty attached to it. BLECH. What can I do?!

Thanks Crabster,
Patchouli Problem

Dear Patch,

I'm afraid I have to answer your question with a question of my own. What is the appeal of patchouli?! Why do people like it? How do they not know it smells horrible to everyone else? (Okay, so that's like 3 questions.) I don't know how to help you, unfortunately. If I could rid the world of patchouli, I would have already done it. And unfortunately, your roommate isn't the only one who is, inexplicably, very much attached to that scent. But trying to get someone to stop slathering themselves in patchouli is like a pirate with scurvy - fruitless. I think your best option is to light a ton of vanilla or clean laundry scented candles and maybe have cookies baking at all times to drown out the smell. If she's a cool chick, maybe you can ask her to tone it down a bit, but I'm pretty sure you're just going to have to move out. Good luck!

Dear Crabby,

Okay, I've been asked to keep a secret. But I can't keep secrets. I HATE secrets. It's a pretty big secret, though. I don't know how long I can go on zipping my lip and there have been tons of opportunities for me to spill the beans. Okay, don't tell anyone, but I found out that my cousin cheated on her husband. With another woman. It all sounds very "Jerry Springer", I know. At any rate, I need to know: would it be the worst thing in the world if I let this secret out? I don't want to know this all by myself anymore. I mean, I mentioned how "Jerry Springer" it is, right? People shouldn't have to keep that to themselves. What do I do?

Appreciate it, Crabby!
-Shhhhhhhh!

Well Shhhhh!
I hate to break it to you, but you've already spilled the beans to the literally fives and tens of people who are reading this. So, you know, way to go on that whole "keeping a secret" thing. Listen, besides the fact that this story is crazy interesting and I want tons more details (How did YOU find out? Was the other woman cuter than the husband? Is it a recurring thing? Are any of them living in or around a trailer, and if so, why haven't you written to Jerry Springer about this? Okay, well it's not crazy enough for Jerry. Maybe try Maury) it's not your job to tattle tale. It's also not your job to keep the secrets of a marriage. My advice is to share the info if someone directly asks. If not, let it go and just be glad you aren't involved. And if you absolutely MUST tell someone, go ahead and tell someone who is at least 5 degrees of separation away from all the parties involved in that triangle. Good luck, though. My guess is you are going to need it since you are, apparently, incapable of keeping this on the D.L.

Okay, during a few thoughtful breaks while responding to these (surprisingly awesome) questions, I did some googling and think I found the shoes from the bus girl. I'm not 100% sure, though, so I'll be on another recon mission tomorrow. Anyway, if you have any advice for me and my shoe-capade, or for any of the poor shmucks looking for help from Crabby tonight, stick it in the comments. And if you have your own issues (in my head, I pronounced that as "iss-yous" and it sounded fancy), email pharonsquare@gmail.com and we'll get you all taken care of.