Thursday, November 17, 2011

Mawwaige is What Bwings Us Togethah Today

I came to a nasty realization today. I have NOT commented on the demise of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries marriage yet. CRAZY! Celebrity break-ups are my bread and butter! Then BOOM! Today the world gets hit by the crumbling of ANOTHER time-tested, true love example of the sanctity of marriage. Demi and Ashton. Say it ain't so! Yes, the world's most famous odd couple has called it quits. Here's the thing. Sometimes I feel bad for famous people who get divorced. Like Jen and Brad (because of that vampire life-sucker Angelina). Sometimes I feel bad that a lot of them have to get divorced because of things that normal people could never understand. Like fame. But then there are times, like now, when I would like to spit on the people who get married like they are buying a pair of shoes.

Marriage is serious bidness, guys. My parents have been happily married for, like forty years. They've been dirt poor, suffered through loss of loved ones together, and raised five miserable little rugrats. (That's me! Yay!) I don't know the dirty deets of whether or not they've ever considered the big D, but so far they've been poster children of the kind of marriage I'd like to have someday. But something tells me that little miss Kardashian didn't think about the MARRIAGE when she she decided to have the WEDDING. On TV.

It's totally annoying lately. There are loads of people who have been together forevs but aren't "allowed" to be married. And then all these people are all "La la la, a marriage is soooooooooo trendy right now! I must have one!" Sheesh, it's a marriage, people, not a tiny dog you shove inside your handbag.

I would really like to enforce some rules with Hollywood marriages. If we, as a country, are sooooo against an entire population of people who want to spend the rest of their lives together, we need to make some stipulations for those who refuse to take the whole thing seriously.

First? A celebrity couple must not have starred in any movie or TV show together, unless they have been dating for over 2 years since the culmination of that project. Second, unless you are Khloe, the "Kardashian" name prohibits you from getting hitched. (What can I say? I love me some Khloe. She's brassy, sassy, and she knows what she wants.) Third, if a star is at the height of popularity, the other party must go through intense psychological training in order to deal with the inevitable demise of their partners career. And finally, if you televise your wedding, anyone who wants to attend...CAN. Yes, that means stalkers, psychos, haters, everyone. Because if your "fans" can't come to the wedding, you don't deserve to have one.

I do give props to famous couples like Ashton and Demi, though. They gave it the ol' college try (Hey! Ashton went to MY college!) But because Ashton cheated on Demi for whatever reason, they couldn't make it work. The point is THEY TRIED. My guess is they had to deal with loads of drama none of us could even imagine. They had a difficult marriage, they tried to stick it out but couldn't, and I would never fault anyone for that.

But to the dumba$$ Kim Kardashian, I can only hope that at the VERY LEAST you get out there and actively support those who want to get married and can't. You've done more damage to the institution than anyone else ever could.

Oh, and one more thing for Kim. Um, I could have told you that marrying Kris Humphries wouldn't work. I have it on good authority (a.k.a a girl in my book club who went to high school with the Humphries) that Kris is soggy-bread-boresville and his sister is, like, TOOOOOOTALLY a word that rhymes with witch! Kim could never fit in with that kind of family. You know, 'cause they're NORMAL.

Maybe let's just say that celebrities shouldn't get married. Unless it's Matt Damon or Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, because those people are really making it work. But seriously restricting Hollywood nuptials is something I would support. It would save loads of time and money for everyone. I would be sooooooo annoyed if I had to be friends with Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lopez or Larry King because it would be SO expensive to buy them all those dumb presents, and I'd have to keep going to weddings on weekends when I'd rather be clipping my toenails in bed.

The moral of the story is many celebrities are idiots. People like Kim Kardashian take big poops on the institution of marriage, and it's just so...passe. So if we are going to stop ANYone from getting married, it should be fame-hungry celebrities. Sound good?


sarahabt said...

I loved this word...dumba$$

hysterical story...I will never watch that dumba$$ show again....


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