Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Dear Crabby

Alright guys, let's get crazy. Time for Dear Crabby! Huzzah!

Dear Crabby,
I've got some major drama. After spending Thanksgiving with my family who I don't see very often, I am reminded why I see them so rarely. For starters? My step-dad started in on the whiskey a little early and started making fun of the fact that I recently got my haircut. It's a little shorter than usual, but the kind of comments he made were just really out of line. Meanwhile, his kids (my step-siblings) were totally obnoxious and kept screaming "You're a loser, you're a loser!" They are 12-year-old twin boys, and everyone else was laughing with them. But the worst part, I think, was that since my mom hates my boyfriend, I couldn't bring him with me. My mom spent the whole time trying to hook me up my uncle's friend from work. He's totally skeevy, and when I tried to tell her that, she told me that I'm "not cute enough to be so picky".

I really want to enjoy spending time with my family, but they are RUTHLESS. Do you think I'll ever be able to have a good relationship with them? Any suggestions? Sorry this isn't the typical question people ask, but I would love some input.

Thank you!
Sever the Family Ties?

Oh boy,
You are right. This is NOT the kind of question I usually get, but that's all good! I'll give a shot. Listen lady, your family sounds insane. They are rude, unsupportive, and overall sucky. But, I understand your desire to foster a relationship with your family. When it works, a family is probably the single greatest thing ever. I think, though, that in this case you just might need to get a different family. Your step-dad and siblings sound like a waste of time altogether. And just because your mom gave you your DNA (half of it?) doesn't mean she deserves to hang out with you. See if you can click a little better with your boyfriend's family and maybe they'll adopt you. Or smuggle your way into a friend's family get-together. Whatever you do, I say take an extended break from your own family so they don't have the opportunity to drag you down to their level. Good luck, though. Get away from the toxic relationships and make your own family!

Oh, and P.S? Those kids sound like the biggest jerks! Ugh! If you ever have to hang out with them again, "accidentally" give them each a swirlie and then replace all their underwear with diapers.

Dear Crabby,
Have you ever tried tinting your eyelashes or eyebrows? I'm thinking of doing mine, but I'm pretty sure it's too hard to do myself. Would you do it?

The Eyes Have It

Hello TEHI,
Wait, I'm confused. Are you asking ME to do the tinting for YOU? If so, no effing way. There's no way I'm getting dye, bleach, or any other toxic chemicals near someone else's eyes. Sorry. But if you're asking me if I would ever get it done myself...the answer is still "no effing way". See aforementioned reason re: toxic chemicals near eyeballs. I'm sure you should go and get it done professionally if you need to, though. At least if something goes wrong, you'll have someone else to blame/sue for damages.

Dear Crabby,
Every single year, my girlfriend and I fight about our Christmas tree. She wants a fake one. That's frosted white. I, on the other hand, would love to go and chop down a real tree so our house smells good. Could you weigh in? She reads your blog and I'm sure she'd appreciate hearing your side (I'm also assuming you will be taking MY side).

Thanks Crabber,
Tree's a Crowd

OMG, Tree's a Crowd,
First of all? How DARE you make assumptions about me! Rude! You don't KNOW me! Now, moving on, you are right. I AM going to take your side. Despite your obvious overly-masculine need to "chop down your own tree", I can tell you have a sensitive side that appreciates the homey ambiance a real tree can provide. I prefer live trees because they do smell nice. And then I like to burn them up for warmth in mid-January. So tell your girlfriend to get her mittens on and go out to get a real tree. If she really puts up a fuss, then you'll just have to compromise. You know, each of you get your own tree. Two trees! Yay! Hope this helps, brah!

Well, that does it! Anotha day anotha dollah. Aw man, I wish people paid me for this advice...then again, it's totally priceless. Okay, if you need some FREE advice, send an email to And, you know, if you're feeling generous go ahead and send me a dollar too. Holla!

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