Dear Crabby

After the week I've had, I was SOOOO pumped when I remembered tonight was Dear Crabby night! After 3 days of having no answers, of being totally clueless, and being generally "Duuuuuuuhhhh" about everything, I feel pretty good to be the one with all the answers. Even if they ARE wrong. Let's see what's in the ol' mail bag, shall we?

Dear Crabby,

I've been trying to lose weight for, oh, EVER! I'm a pretty normal eater, and even though I HATE it, I work out a couple times a week. But I just am not seeing the results I want. What am I doing wrong? I mean, I'm by no means obsessively rigid with my diet/exercise routines, but is that really necessary??

Thanks heaps, Pharon!
-Sick of the Weight

Hey Sick of the Weight,
Here's the thing. I've been too skinny, too fat, and every weight in between. I was too scrawny to donate blood in high school, then I gained 30 pounds in college, then lost 20 of them after I graduated. Then gained 25 back after I started work, and then lost 20 after looking in the mirror and gagging at my reflection. I've been through it all. Listen, we all know that the best way to be fit and healthy is to eat right and exercise. Yes, people go insane and obsess over every calorie they expend and consume, and sure they may LOOK good, but that is simply NO FUN. Plus, I use up all my stress on work and maintaining a long-distance relationship. I'm busy, yo, and I just ate 9 low-fat cookies for dinner. I don't have time to argue with my body and what it wants or doesn't want. So my advice is to keep doing what you're doing, my lovely, perfect reader. There's nothing wrong with trying your best to eat your vegetables and trying to fit a quick walk in over lunch, even if it means 9 cookies for dinner every once in awhile. I'm sure if you're determined to succeed, you will. And bonus piece of advice: don't fall for any of that "no carbs, no sugar, no alcohol" garbage. Fad diets are fads. They'll come and go, just like the weight. You know what you need to do, and I have total faith that you can do it!

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend and I are already arguing about the temperature of our house. He REFUSES to turn the heat on, and I'm sick of chattering through dinner. Whenever I turn the thermostat to a COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE 73 degrees, he complains about flushing money out the window. Now, mixed metaphors aside, is there any logic to his argument, or does it leave him out in the cold?

Thanks, girl!
-Shivering in Chicago

Sup Shiver,
What is with men?! Is it like, COOL (no pun intended) to be cold? No. We, as members of a civilized and industrialized nation, are required to enjoy a few cozy comforts from time to time. Things like diet Coke, vanilla-scented candles and doormats. These are things we probably don't NEED, but should HAVE because we ENJOY them. Another one of those "comforts" is the ability to hang out in your house without wearing fleece socks on your hands. You have every right to be comfortable in your house. You're going to have to do what other normal couples do. Build a gaming arena in your basement, create a complicated scoring system, then determine the winner with a quick dance off and obstacle course, thereby declaring the winner and ruler of the thermostat! Or, you know, I guess you could compromise or something. Cold one day, hot the next. Or leave it to your temperature preference for a week, then switch to his for a week. Something like that. This is one of humankind's biggest challenges, and I don't think you and your husband are going to fix the problem for everyone (although I'm pretty sure that obstacle course idea is genius). But you need to just find what works for you. Good luck, and bundle up!

Dear Crabby,

So far, I don't think you've actually given any good advice to people with this whole Dear Crabby thing. Do you have any training in counseling? Clearly you do not. So what gives you the right to muck around in people's problems? Seriously, who do you think you are? And why aren't you even TRYING to help people?

Thanks for nothing,
Your biggest "fan"

Well HEY there, HATER,
It's always nice to hear from a fan! Okay, so what "gives me the right" to offer subpar advice to people who seek me out for it? Uh, hmm...maybe it's the fact that PEOPLE ASK ME FOR IT? Oh, and there was one other reason...what was it? Oh yeah! IT'S MY BLOG. Sheesh, lady. Lighten up. Now, I am very protective of my fake - and admittedly unhelpful - advice. I don't take too kindly to people who choose to either not be in on the joke or offer any advice of their own. You don't sound like a very nice person. And typically, I like that in a girl. Sassy, brassy, outspoken. But you're just plain unhelpful and may or may not have too much time on your hand. Writing anger mail to a bloggess who, despite my hilarity and constant need to entertain via the World Wide Web, isn't even FAMOUS (yet)? Here's my very helpful advice to you. Either cheer up and join the fun, or seek professional help. Only a crazy person would have serious problems with a very un-serious advice column. Best of luck you, crazy lady! :)

Yowza! What's her problem? I hope this last lady is an isolated issue. You guys don't have problemos with Crabby, do you? DO YOU? Well, if you DO, might I remind you that I solicit help from you guys every week? Yeah, I ask you to add your own pieces of advice in the comments section (you see that, "biggest fan"?!) Go ahead and have at it this week. Slap your help in the comments, and in the meantime send your own questions to me - if you still WANT my "help" that is. pharonsquare@gmail.com

Love you guys!!!!