Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Dear Crabby

Happy Leap Day, everyone. Did you enjoy the extra day? I'm sure it was wonderful. And what a stupid coincidence, but good ol' Crabby got a question about this illustrious "holiday". And with that...

Dear Crabby,
My nosy friends and family have suggested that I, a woman, should propose to my boyfriend...a man. They said that since it's Leap Day, it's totally some tradition thing that a couple flips the script like that. What do you think, is it cool for a chick to ask her guy to marry her? And who would buy the ring?!

Thanks loads,
Script Flipper

Thanks for calling, Script Flipper.
Who CARES who proposes? I certainly don't. I've heard enough engagement stories lately to make me want to carve my eyeballs out with a princess-cut shank. I personally would never propose to a dude. Mostly because I wouldn't want to tell other people that story. It's a little too cheesy for my tastes (and I usually LOVE cheese) and only the slightest bit desperate. Plus, I think you'd have to buy your own ring, which would just be so not romantic. Efficient, yes, but romantic? No. Also, I think there's a movie about a chick who proposes to her boyf in Ireland or something and it was terrible. Both the movie and the concept. Anyhooz, don't do it. Unless you want your engagement/marriage to be as terrible as that one movie. Sorry, yo.

Dear Crabby,
Is it ever okay to wear suspenders?

See ya,
Suspender Suspense

Tally ho, Suspender Suspense!
Listen, I seriously LOVE suspenders. I don't have any currently, but when I was young I had a kicka$$ pair of brown suede suspenders that I wore with a pleated, plaid skirt and white shirt. They looked bombtastic. Basically, wearing suspenders is similar to wearing a beret: Few can pull it off, but I am totally one of those people and you might not be. But in case you are, here are a couple suggestions. Never wear rainbow or otherwise whimsically-patterned suspenders, unless you want to be taken as a joke. Do not clip them to your giant underwear inside of your pants. Don't shorten them so much that your wedgie gets a wedgie. Finally, do not wear them with any other items that look like they are from the 90s. If you do that, you'll look like you're wearing a costume of Rachel from the first season of Friends.

Dear Crabby,
Any advice for a regular gal who wants to make a splash at a party this weekend? I'm newly single and know there are going to be several single guys there, but I don't usually make a very strong impression. I'm basically average in every way, so I want to spice it up a little bit. Ideas???

Thank you!
Plain Jane

Salutations, Plain Jane,
You wanna make a splash? Okay, I can help you there. First, always wear something that is a conversation starter. I usually go with Statement Stilettos or a wolf sweatshirt. But for a beginner like you, might I suggest a temporary neck tattoo? People will be all "What's THAT girl up to!? She looks like a good time!" Also, get juuuuuust tipsy enough to start an impromptu karaoke competition. You'll have to start it off, and you'll want to make sure everyone else is sufficiently boozed up, but it'll be fun. Lastly, see if you can't drum up some fake (or better yet, REAL) enthusiasm about an odd - but INTERESTING - topic. I love talking to dudes about science. I don't know much, but my enthusiasm more than makes up for it. I've been known to bring up the Large Hadron Collider on more than one occasion. I also talk about a British car show I like called Top Gear. You have no idea how cool you will sound when you say "Oh, you got a new car? I've always wanted to drive the Bugatti Veyron. I think it's the fastest street-legal car on the road...what's your favorite car?" Dudes love that crap. Anyway, those are a few suggestions. Let me know if they work out!!!

Alright dudes, that does it! Listen, I really DO want to know if any of you guys have taken my advice. So for next week, LET ME KNOW! If you've asked Crabby a question before and stupidly took her advice, please write to and let us know how it turned out! We'll catch up with all the deets next week. Sound okay? Good, Great, Grand, WONDERFUL! (NO YELLING ON THE BUS! - Name that quote...)

1 comment:

Megan McKinley said...

Billy Madison - That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ACE!