Dear Crabby - Luuuuuv Edition

Ah, romance is in the air...oops, nope. I'm wrong. That's just some bad cheese in the fridge. Geo was going to try to come into town this weekend, but he can't. So, I'm extra crabby towards this dumb holiday. Here are some stupid answers to your stupid love-related questions...

Dear Crabby,
Every year, my husband and I do the same thing on Valentine's Day. He picks up Chinese on his way home from work, we exchange obligatory heart-shaped candy and we watch whatever's on TV. This year, I want to do something different. Something ROMANTIC, you know? Any suggestions??

Thanks, Crabby!
Me+You=Boooooooooring

Dear Every Woman In The World,
If you can't tell by the way I changed your name, your problem is like, totally common. Did you know that men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Men think that chocolate is a great gift, even though it'll make your butt fat. Then he'll complain that your butt is fat. JERKS. The point is, guys will do and buy what someone TELLS them to do or buy. Honey, if you want a romantic night, you have got to do the heavy lifting. Don't expect him to surprise you with flowers and poems and bagels (is it just me that falls for that?!) because nothing he does will ever measure up to what you believe Ryan Gosling would do in this situation. He won't. He's a dude. He has a wife. The shiny fun of romance driven by the desire to not lose your girlfriend or boyfriend is gone. You guys are a done deal. So, you're going to need to download the romantic playlist. You can make him dump the fancy lobsters in the boiling water, but you're going to have to buy them. You will set the table, and you will probably clean up, but you can have his undivided attention at dinner. You win some, you lose some. And if you at least give him a head's up, he may - MAY - venture into a Walgreens and buy you a card - which he will barely manage to sign. Yay! Love!

Dear Crabby,
Aaaaaand LAME. I don't have any plans for Valentine's Day. And my friends all have plans with their families or boyfriends or whatever. How much more cliche can I be? But I actually LIKE Valentine's Day! I look great in red, I love sending mail that contains glitter, and I've never referred to it as a "Hallmark holiday". So I'm not a hater or something, but I wanna do something fun! What's a gal to do?

Love you!
I <3 V.D.

Oh honey,
While I appreciate your attempt at hilarious nonchalant-ness, people who love Valentine's Day love Love. Without an excuse to mail out heart-shaped doilies or put out a bowl of conversation hearts at work (which NEVER start conversations, BTW) you are just a lost puppy. I say that in the absence of a dumb boyfriend or fellow singletons, you must wallow. That's right. Enough with the ooey gooey sappy crap. Go ahead and buy your ice cream (might I suggest Ben & Jerry's Late Night Snack?) and post up on your couch with your sweatpants watching a Ryan Gosling marathon. Don't fight it. Valentine's Day, for those of us without any fancy dress-wearing obligations, is for the awesome people who appreciate fleece for it's comfy closeness.

Dear Crabby,
So my girlfriend has loved your blog for awhile now. Almost every week, she reads me some of your "advice" and claims that you are "spot on" with it. So, I figured I would ask you for your opinion. I'm going to ask my girlfriend to marry me. But I'm worried that asking her to marry me on Valentine's Day - like I had planned - will be too "cliche" for her. Is it a bad idea? Should I wait until the weekend? I'll admit I'm pretty nervous, so I want to get it right. What do you think?

Thank you!
-I Do (Not Want To Mess This Up)

Hey yo, I Do,
Asking a non-married if it's cheesy to propose on Valentine's Day is like asking a super cool girl if a trip to a Star Trek convention is a bad time. The answer is always YES. NO ONE LIKES VALENTINE'S DAY PROPOSALS. Unless, of course, you are the person getting proposed to. Yes, it's cheesy. Yes, it's cliche. But asking a person to be with you forever, even when you have an ingrown toenail or puke on your own shirt while you have the flu, is a big deal. If, for some insane reason, you've gone and decided to lock yourself down for forever, there may be no better day than Valentine's Day. Logistically, you can kill two birds with one stone. If one day can serve as both anniversary and mandatory day of love, that's great. It cuts down on the obligatory gift exchange and Google calendar reminders. Romantically speaking, it's a day of romance and love and forced companionship. So, yeah, the proposal of marriage fits right into that. Generally speaking, though, others will mock you. They will. They will say that you are not imaginative. But! Secretly, they'll be jealous. Because for the two people who are newly engaged, they will love that day forever. Unless they get divorced. Then it'll be, like, World's Worst Holiday.

Well, there we go. Ooey gooey love crap. Did I help these poor saps? If you've got better, more loving advice, please feel free to leave corrections in the comments! Otherwise, let's focus on...BREAK UPS next week! Send your heartbreaking questions to email pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll mend them all next week. Love you all!!!