Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Dear Crabby

I've officially worked out twice in three days. What am I, Jane Fonda!? Needless to say, I'm pooped and ready to give my bulging muscles (?) a break. So let's get to it!

Dear Crabby,
I just met my boyfriend last summer, and I'm already ready to take the plunge. Is there a good way I can ask him to....move in together? We spend so much time at each other's places already and it just seems like the fiscally responsible thing to do. I have a feeling he thinks it's too soon, but I just reaaaaaaally wanna do it! Any suggestions?

Thanks,
Home Sweet Shared Home


Hey HSSH,
Um, have you considered faking a pregnancy? No, that's only if you want a proposal. Hmmm...adopt a giant dog and then tell him you need help taking care of that snuggle muffin? Ugh, no. Too much work. Oooh, I've got it. Unleash a giant farm of spiders or mice or something into his place. Then when he asks to spend a few nights at your pad while the exterminator poison those critters to kingdom come, pull out all the stops. Pamper him, spoil him, do everything you can think of to keep him thrilled to be there. Then, just be all "Man, we live together so well! Would you ever consider giving a cohabitation thing a shot?" In between bites of his juicy steak while watching premium sports channels, he'd be a fool to say no.

Dear Crabby,
What's with winter in Minnesota!? There has been no snow all year, and I'm really itchin' for a fun snowshoeing adventure. Are there such things as Snow Dances? If so, will you do one with me?!

Thanks Crabby!
Just Say Snow


Hello JSS,
You will shut your devil mouth. I will NOT help you generate icy, wet, heavy sky dandruff. Any amount of the stuff RUINS any shot I have at a timely commute. Also, I shoveled last night and I'm still sore. You don't have to shovel SUNSHINE, my dear. So no, I will not dance around with you. Take a trip to Antarctica if you are so DESPERATE to snowshoe. Psssst...by the way..snowshoeing is just walking. Tie some tennis rackets to your feet and enjoy the global warming.

Dear Crabby,
A girlfriend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend, and is now HATING on my relationship. She always tries to instigate fights between me and my guy, and even sent him a nasty text from MY PHONE. What should I do? I mean, I feel bad that the girl is single, but it's rude for her to take me down with her, right?! Help!

Thanks,
Not Single, No Desire to Mingle


Oh boy, NSNDM,
This chick sounds SUPER RUDE. Like, uber cray cray rude. Here's my advice. Tell her to get over herself and butt out of your relationship and find her own. Then "accidentally" drop HER phone in a toilet because she needs to be taught phone etiquette. OR! Or you could be all "Listen, I can tell you're really invested in my relationship and you have been able to figure out that we've been struggling. The truth is, I'm in love you, Friend. I want nothing more than to skip through a field of lilacs together hand in hand with you. I can tell you feel the same, given your intense interest in me as of late, and I'm so glad. Finally! I can give up the pretense of being in love with my boyfriend and I can now focus all my love and energy on you! Hoorah!" Then, prepare to not hear from her for several weeks. Unless this somehow majorly backfires and she actually IS in love with you. If that happens, write me back and we'll deal with that sitch separately.

Well, Squares, that does it for another rousing week of Crabby! Think you can do better? Go ahead and fix what needs fixing in the comments. And if you've got a question of your own, shoot it on over to pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll put you - and your problemos - in place.

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