Dear Crabby

So, now that the big day has come and gone, we can all go back to taking our loves for granted and not eating anything that is in the shape of a heart. I don't know about you, but after all the drippy, sappy love and rich, delicious food, I've got a bit of a V Day hangover. So let's move on to the Aftermath. The break ups!

Dear Crabby,
How long do you have to be dating a guy before you can't text breakup with him? I reeeeeeeeeeally don't want to do the face-to-face thing, since the reason I can't stand him anymore is because he smells weird and he has this skin-colored mole on his face that I can't stop looking at. Anyway, we've gone on 5 dates, I met his sisters, and he sent me flowers yesterday. Can I please please please text-breakup with him?!

Thank you!
Break It Down

Heyo, B.I.D.,
See, I would be all for the text breakup, EXCEPT that you met his sisters. Do you like them? Do you think you guys could end up being friends? If you do think so, you have to be an adult and stare that mole in the face and break his smelly heart so they don't hate you. If you don't care about him or his family, though, text away! Five dates isn't exactly a relationship, and texting is the new "We need to talk." You probably do want to thank the poor sap for the flowers, though. That was nice of him. Sucker.

Dear Crabby,
I think I'm getting the Slow Descent breakup. My guy keeps not being able to hang out, and once said that he couldn't meet me for dinner because he couldn't find his shoes. WTF? He also says things like "Sorry, I really want to hang out, but I just can't. Don't look too much into this, okay?" But I really think he's breaking it off and is trying to not look like the bad guy. What do you think?

Thanks!
Goin' Down

Hey Goin' Down,
Yeah, sorry, but he's breaking up with you. But he also doesn't want to be alone quite yet, so he's stringing you along until he meets someone else to keep him company and ask him out for dinner. I hate to admit it, but I've done it and it's a pretty cowardly thing to do, not to mention how MEAN it is. But, you're right. It makes it hard to call a person "the bad guy" when they do that. The Slow Descent breakup is the non-fat ranch of breakups. It's not great, but it's not the worst thing ever either. But yes, you're single. Sorry. Then again, Congrats! You've dropped the dead weight! No more worrying about Shoeless Joe and his terrible cliches! Go get yourself a real man!

Dear Crabby,
Sorry to likely bring the tone down, and if you choose to answer my question, I urge you to be a tiny bit gentle. My girlfriend broke up with me just after Christmas, and I just am NOT getting over it. She's awesome and we were great together, but she wasn't ready to settle down. After two years of dating, I had decided to move in with her, but just after I gave my notice to my landlord, she told me we "were moving too fast." Anyway, I don't know what to do. None of my guy friends want to listen to me talk about her, and when we broke up, all our girl friends went with her. What can I do?

Thanks heaps,
Pity Party of One

Awww, PPOO,
I'm sorry you're taking the breakup so hard. It's never easy for a guy to actually have EMOTION after a breakup. You're all supposed to "get under someone else to get over her", right? Eff that. Men have feelings, and I GET that! With that said, honey...you're going to need to get over it. 1) She sounds like a horrible person who was a terrible girlfriend, and doesn't deserve a sensitive guy like you. 2) I hate to break it to you, but NO ONE likes to listen to someone talk about a breakup for longer than a couple weeks following the break. You're bringing people down, I'm guessing, and further isolating yourself. 3) Seriously - it's worth reiterating - she sounds like she sucked as a girlfriend. You're going to need to get over it, because otherwise you'll be too hung up on a mediocre product to trade up for a new model. Get back out there, Tiger! Try some new things, meet some new people, and buy some new underwear. (I don't know what it is, but when I'm in a bad mood, I buy new underwear. I don't know why it works, but IT WORKS.) You'll be back on top (or bottom! Tawdry!) in no time! I've got faith in you. If you need it, I can post a little personal ad for you on my blog and get you some dates! Good luck!

Turns out, I have WAY more input on breakups than I thought. Thanks for opening your broken little hearts to me this week! For those who haven't done that yet, you bes' get on it. Email me your weird little problems at pharonsquare@gmail.com. I'll see you all in Problem Solvedville!!!