Crest White Spits

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a multi-stop person. I HATE having to stop at multiple places on the way somewhere. If I need gas and groceries on my way home from work, I will DO my grocery shopping in the frozen foods and candy aisle at the BP near my house. Need clothespins and a toothbrush? I will google the crap out of the stores around my house finding out the one place (Family Dollar!) that has both. I seriously do anything to avoid parking my car more than once.

This wonderful time saver comes in handy when I'm gettin' purdy too. I have been known to brush my teeth in the shower while waiting for my conditioner to get to work. And yes, I CAN dry my hair while putting jeans on.

Anyhoozle, while cleaning my bathroom this weekend, I found some Crest Whitestrips I got awhile ago. They are the ones you have to keep on for 30 minutes. I have no idea if they still work or not, since I got them in like 1992, but I decided "Hey, two weeks to a blindingly white smile, two weeks until Palm Springs? That is not a coincidence, that is FATE."

Hey guess what. I am BAD at Whitestrips.

I don't know what's in these things, but I've always assumed you shouldn't swallow whatever is demolishing the coffee stains on my pearly not-so-whites. So, I've developed a little process. I have to sit with a spit cup so I don't accidentally swallow the bleachy goodness. Listen, I'm not exactly proud of it, but whatevs. Also, it is physically impossible for me to wear both rows of strips at once, so it takes a full hour to complete this stupid process I will probably not follow through with.

Here's where the two concepts of this blog come together. I came home late from the gym tonight and had to shower. But I also had to put these dumb strips on. So, in my multi-tasking genius, I decided to put a row on while I showered. No multiple stops here! Hey, Two Birds, let me kill you with just this one stone!

People, it did NOT go well. I had a minor panic attack because I got soap in my mouth while trying to spit and then when trying to spit THAT out, the stupid strip started slipping off my teeth. As soon as I tried to adjust it, I got a mouth full of water. I had no choice but to swallow it.

It was...bleachy. AND soapy. And the hot water did not help anything. Meanwhile, my stupid conditioner was stinging my eyes and I had to desperately reach for towel. I don't know if I was actually crying or it was just the soap seeping from eyeballs, but it was certainly not my proudest moment.

I got out of the shower, panting, barely in one piece. The strip back in tact, the conditioner out of my hair, and God-knows-what chemicals searing through my blood. I still had like 15 minutes left of the first strip, and I was back to spitting out the bleach and soap like nobody's business.

You're probably asking, "Pharon, was it worth it? Wouldn't it have been easier to 'make multiple stops' in this process? First shower, then whitestrips?" The answer, obvs, is YES. It was definitely worth it. One, it gave me the topic for this blog. Two, it may have been poisonous, but it totally saved me time.