Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Dear Crabby

I've got approx a zillion things to do tonight. I'm heading out to Alabummer tomorrow night to visit the Man (a.k.a. Geo) and when I asked what we were going to do while I'm there, I was both pleased and discouraged to hear "Meh, whatever we want!" I was pleased because I hate packing a vacation full of activities, leaving no time to relax. Discouraged because now I have to find a way to fit 6 pairs of shoes, 4 dresses, 2 pairs of jeans, 700 shirts, and Geo's Settlers of Catan game into a CARRY ON because on I don't know what to be prepared for. Oh, and where am I going to put my hair dryer and curling iron? I think you might not want to know.

So, without further delay: Here are this week's questions from my you: my lovely, lovely Squares!

Dear Crabby,

No time to explain, but I double booked dates for Friday night. I like both guys! HELP ME!

-Double Time

Okay, Double Time,
(Why does everyone ask me for 'excuses on how to get out of something'? Am I flaky?! No, no. That's impossible. Moving on...) Here's what you do. RESCHEDULE ONE. Don't try and Sit Com your way out of this. Meaning: Don't try and make both dates work, because obvs that never works, and you'll end up single. Twice. In one night. So just buck up and cancel one. You don't have to go into loads of deets, but just be like "I'm SO sorry, but is there any way we can reschedule for [insert alternative AWESOME plan here]?" If he asks for more details, whoops! You're in a tunnel or basement or bomb shelter or something and can't hear him anymore. Finish the rest over text, and proceed to enjoy both dates on separate nights.

Dear Crabby,

I'm trying to really get into volunteering. Any suggestions for where to start? I'm not a huge fan of kids, or babies, or sick people, or pets, or gross things though. Ideas?

Helping Hand

Dear Helping Hand,

Okay, so I don't know how to help you. Sure your heart's in the right place with wanting to volunteer, but you seem to not like most things. Therefore, I think your only volunteering options are in the Meals on Wheels or maybe gift wrapping industries, or maybe you could hand out flyers at busy downtown intersections. You could also maybe, um, go around doing random people's yard work or something. I don't know. Maybe volunteering isn't for you, though. Here's an idea. Instead of donating your TIME to a cause, donate MONEY. Then no one has to deal with your bad attitude you can contribute in your own special way. Like I said, though, I give you props for your dedication to service, without actually doing any serving though. Whatever. Give money. People love money.

Dear Crabby,

So, I'm going to get a tattoo! I'm so completely excited! Problem is, everyone is making fun of what I want to get. I want to get a tiny Smurfette on my hip. I love Smurfette! Is there anything wrong with it? Honestly?!

-Tattooed and Confused

Hey T&C,

Here's some real quick advice (sorry, this suitcase ain't gonna pack itself with tons and tons of crap). Do not get a cartoon character tattoo. DO NOT. I don't know ANYone who hasn't regretted the decision to get a silly (albeit beloved) animated character permanently stained into their bodies. Listen, I love Smurfette as much as the next guy. But trust that it's going to look stupid in 10 years. Heck, it'll probably look stupid in 10 months no matter HOW old you are. I say hold off on the tattoo until you have something important enough or just cool enough to inject into your skin. Because my dear, dear Square, cartoon tattoos are just...well, don't take this the wrong way...but they are dumb. See here. Yeah, so my advice is DO NOT DO IT.

How'd I do this week? I'm kind of rushing, so fill in whatever I missed in the comments. Aight? Aight. Okay, so next week when you need some help, which I'm sure you'll need, shoot your inquiry to and I'll make everything all good in the 'hood. Cool? COOL!

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