Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Dear Crabby

It hardly seems appropriate to do anything before properly addressing the passing of Steve Jobs today. The man knew how to create, invent, design, and sell a lifestyle that people across the world craved and relied on. His impact on the current social and technological environment is second-to-none, and I'm legit sad about this. Like, teary-eyed sad. He was the best thing to happen to apples, apps, and tech-nerds. He will surely be missed, but not forgotten.

I have no transition for this, but it's time for Dear Crabby! Let's get down to brass tacks.

Dear Crabby,

I have a 10 year-old daughter. She's smart and friendly, she loves animals, and she is crazy-good at painting. I love everything about her. Almost everything. She dresses, um, like a cracked out runaway who has daddy issues. (Note: Her father is WONDERFUL. No issues there. Seriously.) We'll go shopping and, even though I don't buy her the cropped t-shirts and short mini skirts bedazzled on the butt with words like SASSY, I find them in her room. I don't know where she gets them, and I don't understand where she thinks she's going to wear them. She has like 4 friends, and they all live on our block. I'm very concerned with her fashion sense. Will she grow out of this? Am I missing something? Help!

Thanks Crabby!
-Kids Wear the Sluttiest Things

Oh dear, KWTST,

Kids are the worst. Especially daughters. I was a terror. I wanted boyfriends and dates and attention and all that stuff. Some things never change. One thing that did change, though, was my fashion sense. My mom would NEVER let me try on/own/borrow anything she deemed inappropriate, much like it sounds like you refuse to do. Props to that, BTW. But she did allow me to explore my own style. She would let me peruse a store on my own, pull the things I liked, and praised the things she approved of and looked good. She didn't understand why I had to have the weird suspenders and catholic girl-style skirt, but she'd let me get it because I loved it. That, AND I totally worked it. But mostly it was because it was my style. Here's what you need to do. Get rid of whatever trashy mags you have. Don't turn on MTV. Don't foster her skewed view of what's "appropriate". I'm not saying you should try to ignore or skew reality - because in reality, girls are getting skankier and skankier at younger ages - but I'd say keep more Vogue and InStyle magazines around. They showcase FASHION, not promiscuity. Teach her about quality and classic shapes. Above all, never stop reminding her how smart and caring and wonderful she is. Just keep your eye out. She may be exploring her own style with those skank clothes, but as long as she keeps in her room, I wouldn't worry too much. Until she's like 13. Then put her on lockdown forever. You know, just in case.

Dear Crabby,

WHAT IS UP! I just wanna know one thing. What's a good pickup line to use on a guy at the bar? We've got a girls night out planned this weekend, and I'm one of the only single chicks left! I wanna get out there and meet some MEN! What works for you???

Needs a Picker Upper

Picker Upper, I have a secret to tell you. Pick-up lines don't work. The best one I have ever heard was when a guy came up to me at asked "Hey, are you as surprised as I am that I haven't thrown up yet?" 1) It was HILARIOUS. 2) It begged me to ask "Whaaaa? Why?" and 3) It wasn't smarmy. Besides that, PICK UP LINES DON'T WORK. Having said that, the best pickup line I can think of to use on a dude is either "Hey, what's up?" or "What's the score of [insert whatever game is on]?" Or I guess there's always "Hey, can you see my bra through this shirt?" It all depends on the kind of guy you're looking for. Oh, and there are two more that Claire used to use when we'd go out. She'd go up to a guy and we'd just try and guess his name. Or she'd bring a highlighter in her bag, and randomly walk past a guy and draw a line on his arm or hand or face and say "Looks like you're the highlight of the night!" Both are adorable. Good luck and let us know if any of these work out for you!

Dear Crabby,

I want to get a pet. I'm responsible, I have a flexible job and I'm like really nice to animals. I am poor and have a small apartment though. What can I do?!

Pet Getter

Hey Pet Getter,
Animals are a lot of work. My roommate fosters puppies, and no matter how adorable they are, they all poop and smell bad in the same way. But yes, they are A LOT OF WORK. I barely do any of it, and it's starting to wear me out regardless. Plus they're expensive and needy. So here are the pets I think you (and, subsequently, I) would be fit for: Hamster, Guinea Pig, Snake, Frog, Teacup Piglet (my dream pet!), rock, fish, or a bird. Any of those sound fun? Good luck!

Okay, that's a wrap! Did I miss anything? You know the routine: slap YOUR advice in the comments and then bop on over to your email and ask for my super-awesome advice at I shall solve all your woes and fix all your boo-boos.

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