Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Feet Deets

Where do I begin? Where do I even begin? It. Has. Been. A. Day. Humiliation, torture, terrifying abuse of my comfort zone, pain, and needles. What happened, you ask? I hardly know where to start, so I'll start at the lowest point.

It was a dark and non-stormy night. A beautiful girl was snoozing away soundly in her bed. That girl, dear readers, was me. Suddenly, I awaken to a blinding pain. In my pinky toe. I try various self-remedies, including but not limited to, wrapping my foot in my kickboxing wrist wrap, ice, elevating, heat, loud cursing, quiet sobbing, and pleading to name a few. When the clock struck 2:30 a.m., I decided I wanted my mommy and daddy. I figured there was NO WAY I could qualify "pinky toe pain" as a reason to wake them up in the middle of the night with a phone call (no matter how excruciating the pain truly was). So I sent an email to my mom, who sometimes gets up in the middle of night, telling her that if she's up, call me. It all looked very calm, very non-childish. Little did she know, I was writhing in pain on my bed, slamming pillows against the wall and willing the cosmos to wake my parents up to check their email.

I'd nod off for 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there, but I kept waking up the same. In sheer, blinding pain. I check WebMD at around 4:30 a.m. (never a good idea), decide on my malady, and wonder what I'll look like with only four toes.

Mercifully, morning came and I could finally shower and pull myself together to get my butt to Urgent Care. I thought I was in the clear.

I get to Urgent Care, describe my pain level as a 9, explain my 4 a.m. WebMD'ing theories, and wait for the medical marvel that will surely cure me.

What was the cure, you ask? THERE WAS NONE. First, the doctor poked and pulled at my toe. (Side note: You DO know how much I hate people touching my feet, don't you?!) Then she removed my awesome, glittery toenail polish while I sat there, crawling out of my skin. She didn't know what exactly was wrong. So - I should warn you to stop reading if you are squeamish or are a small baby - they BURN A LITTLE HOLE THROUGH MY NAIL. Turns out, there is a reason we have nails. The skin underneath them are very, uh, DELICATE. So natch, it hurt and I screamed. Then we discover that the hole burning apparently didn't help (SHOCKER). She asks if I've hurt my toe lately (no), or if I've gotten a pedicure lately. I say - and I quote - "No, I hate pedicures. But isn't that what happened to Paula Abdul!? If so, I have a new found understanding of her admiration for pain killers!" She didn't react. Whatever, I know I'm right, Doc.

The doctor prescribes some antibiotics, recommends a podiatrist, and is just about to send me on my hobbling way before checking my chart one more time. "Hmm. Looks like you're also due for a Tetanus shot. I'll send in a nurse to give you one."

GEE. THANKS. As if I'm not in enough pain.

The poor guy comes in, sees me all teary-eyed, and explains that it won't hurt - you big baby I could almost hear him add. I tell him I haven't slept all night, and spent the past 10 hours in bone-quaking pain. "It's okay. You'll hardly notice this!"

He was right. Sort of. The shot itself was nothin'. No biggie. Barely even felt it. Until like 2 hours later. My shoulder is throbbing, as is my little piggy (literally crying wee wee wee all the way home), and I just go ahead and give up. Everything hurts. My eyes are burning from crying and from trying to NOT cry, and I have a pounding headache from stressing out about everything.

I have no idea what to expect tonight. During the day, I felt fine, but I don't know what I'll do if I have another night like last night. I'm scared. I'm tired. Mostly I'm just very self-conscious about the hole in my baby toe.

Send out healthy-toe thoughts tonight, guys! PLEASE?! If you don't, I'll be up spamming the crap out of everyone out of spite and exhaustion. I'll keep you toe-sted posted!! (Seriously...I'm writing this on NO SLEEP. Gimme a break.


Pharon Square said...

This just in: I slept for a glorious 7 hours straight. Thanks for all the good vibes!!

Anonymous said...

Did the doctor ask about the shoes you wear!!!

"While toes are small, and seemingly hidden from view, a toe or toenail problems can be a big inconvenience and quite painful. Toe and toenail problems are not uncommon. Often the result of poor footwear, these conditions can cause pain and difficulty walking or wearing shoes. "

Kelly said...

That is SO weird, cause I totally had the same kind of pain my little pinky toe not too long ago. I thought maybe it was gout.