Monday, October 10, 2011


Happy Columbus Day, everyone! I'm sure you, like me, love this day more than Christmas. All the wonderment and tradition? Huzzah! How did you celebrate this most funnest of fun days? I built 3 replica water-ready ships out of Popsicle sticks and an impressive amount of toothpicks. Then I sat in a polio-infested blanket outside and floated the ships in the puddles. When I got done playing in the water, I docked the ships on the curb - formerly known as Curboslavia, but I renamed it America - and started burning down everything and replacing tepees with tasteful Old English-style cottages. Then I sewed a flag, made a list of rules everyone will forget about in 500 years, turned futbol into soccer, and invented Coca Cola. America!

I don't know about you guys, but I feel bad for America these days. We're getting a super bad rep these days as greedy, fame-hungry, self-indulgent kids from Jersey Shore. (I may be getting my references mixed up, but whatevs.) We've got people marching on Wall Street, while Kim Kardashian tweets constantly about her stupid multi billion dollar wedding. A "Super Congress" bickering constantly while a Super Population of people remain Super Unemployed. A Super Shame.

And it all started with a man and his three ships. I'm sure Christopher Columbus is pretty stoked that there wasn't a "media" or Twitter 519 years ago. Imagine the Twitter twends like #theblanketshavesmallpoxinthem or #Columbuswasntborn here, #birther, or #dontdrinkthefirewater. Facebook groups would be dedicated to either hailing or hating the explorer, and South Park would probably air an episode dedicated to satirizing the sexual deviance of Mr. Columbus. I don't even WANT to know what Fox News would have to say about it. But luckily for him, and for us I guess, none of those things happened.

But I give props to the man who missed his mark so greatly. I can appreciate a person with as poor sense of direction as I have. He led a whole mess of people to a completely different country, and everyone was all "Yay! You did it, bro!" Usually when I get lost, people are all "How do you NOT have a GPS? You are an idiot. Now we're going to be late for Happy Hour. Way to go, dummy!" Sexists.

So Happy Columbus Day, everyone! I'm going to get back to my scale models of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria. Next up, we're going to "discover" Jamaica and I'm going to make myself a fruity cocktail.

1 comment:

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