Theatahhh Yeah

It may surprise you to know that I enjoy me some culture from time to time. Yes, every once in awhile I pry myself away from TMZ and Pinterest to do something smart-like. Tonight, I met up with Lana and Valerie to have a quick drink and a trip to the theatahhhh! (That's how the word "theater" sounds in my head.) The problem is, though, I'm not always the ideal date for the theatahhh, which was very obvious tonight.

Lana is an actress, and works at this awesome theater in downtown Minneapolis called The Guthrie. Valerie went to an Ivy league school, speaks French fluently, and has friends from allllll over the world. I speak broken Spanish and have debilitating stage fright. The last play I was involved in was in 5th grade when I was in the "munchkin chorus" in Wizard of Oz. And I ended up quitting.

So, I'm a n00b. The girls are really good about getting me to plays that I would otherwise never see. The kind where actors interact with the audience, or where they break out into a song about a naked chicken. Tonight, it was a play with ONE character in it. Just this one chick. And halfway through her 90-minute show, a "janitor" came in a cleared off the stage. I gazed around the audience like, "Am I the only one seeing this? Doesn't he know that there's a SHOW going on?!" Needless to say, it was PART OF THE PLAY.

First thing that went way over my head.

The play continued, and I was in awe of this actress. She didn't mess up ONE LINE. She was emotional, articulate, and she didn't even flinch when she looked right at me and I picked my nose. Just to see if it would throw her. It didn't.

Also, during the play, the world's tallest/antsiest man was sitting in front me. I kept having to shift from side to side to see past his head. Note to the man: You should really invest in some Rogaine as there is a not-so-hairy situation on the top of your head.

Then came the stress. Towards the end of the play, the girl starts to wrap her hair into a bun with one of those chopstick dealies. My palms started sweating immediately. What if that bun falls out? What if the chopstick doesn't stay in?! Phew! The chopstick stays in. Then she starts unbuttoning her skirt and shirt. I shoot a sideways glance at Lana as if to ask "What kind of play is this? I was not warned about nudity." So she's taking off her outfit, and I'm too nervous to breathe, and very worried that I'll start giggling. Oh man, this is getting real. Did she shave today? Has she worked out her abs lately? Am I old enough to be seeing this?!?! I suddenly feel like screaming out "You don't have to get naked to prove yourself, Bernadette! Don't do it!!! She doesn't. She simply takes off her costume to reveal some silk gown dealie. Crisis averted.

The play ends, everyone claps, Bernadette takes a well-deserved bow, and we head out. Here's where everything became clear. I walk out and confess to Lana and Valerie, "You guys? I did NOT get that play. Was she in the future? She talks about email and cell phones, but why was there one of those super old radios on the stage? What was with all the journal readings? And seriously, what was with the janitor?" I was flummoxed.

Lana and Valerie are trying to explain it to me, though they were in the dark a bit about the janitor too, and then they start throwing around phrases like "It's so relevant because of the Occupy Wall Street movement going on. Who is REALLY the boss, you know?" I muttered "People thought it was Angela, but I always believed it was Tony*." And then they chitchat about being sustaining members of NPR, and how they don't really watch that much TV anymore. I, on the other hand, love Top 40 radio, and am currently petitioning DirecTV to come to an agreement with FX so I won't have to miss even one episode of Sons of Anarchy.

You can see we have our differences. But what matters is that we had a great time together. And despite the fact that I still have no idea how the girl in the play (who is supposed to be 16) managed to get herself to New York City AND Planned Parenthood and what the significance of the pocket knife was, I very much enjoyed the chutzpah of the actress. She really was amazing and I found myself kind of lost in the world she created.

I suppose that's the point of theatahhh.

So, there you have it. I'm all cultured now! Huzzah! I'm going to get my cultured self to bed. Tomorrow is a big day. I've managed to not say anything about it until today, so I think I'm growing. Tomorrow is my birfday! Yay! I'm having a few friends over to just drink beer and play Dance Central (normal things that normal adults do), and I'm really excited. So, I better get some shut eye. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! And if you feel so inclined, go ahead and send any and all gifts to my home. I also accept cash. Have a great weekend, everyone!!

* Duh! Ever heard of Who's the Boss?