Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Dear Crabby

Sorry if I get some sweat on tonight's post. I've been dancin' like a fiend to my new Dance Central 2 game!! That's right people, I'm back in the (video) game! Perks of the new version of the best dancing game ever include voice recognition, dance battle capabilities, and not one but TWO Gaga songs. I'm pretty much the best dancer ever on the Born This Way song already. So while I grab a water and hydrate before gettin' back in da' club (ugh, I need to stop talking like that) I'm going to take a minute and answer your cries for help! Let's hit it!

Dear Crabby,

Well, it was bound to happen. I just moved into my new house last Spring, and in the past week I've met roughly 100 mice who apparently live in my house (but don't even pay rent! Rude!) I read a bunch of tips on how to prevent mice (too late) and how to tell if you have a dead mouse behind your refrigerator (too soon). But what are YOUR best tips for making these rodents move out?

Thank you!
House of Mouse

What's crackin, HoM?
Listen, I've got a looooong, well-documented history of being terrified of mice. I hate them. So if you're here to hear suggestions of "humane traps" or "coexisting peacefully" you have come to the wrong place. The way I think about it, if I stuck my hand into a snake pit, I SHOULD get decimated by venom. I simply DON'T BELONG in there. And mice do not belong in my house, unless they are singing me a song while bedazzling me a ball gown. Therefore, I show no mercy. I start with snap traps. Quick and dirty. The problem is, though, the clean up. That's where my friends and/or boyfriend come in. I'll have nothing to do with the messy aftermath, so I only use these when someone else is around to clean the carnage. Therefore, my ideal solution is Extermination. That's right. Straight up hire someone to come and trim your house in poison and enjoy the peace and quiet. Sure, you may find one or two little guys who got left behind (or stuck in the wall), but whatever. There is no perfect solution. If you find one, though, I'll pay you a million dollars for it.

Dear Crabby,

I bought the CUTEST pair of jeans, but they are apparently made for the world's tallest woman. They're just jeans, and I just will NOT go in to have them professionally tailored or hemmed. Any hot tips?

Thanks a load,
Hemming and Hawing

Hey hey hey, Hemming and Hawing!
Yes, I actually DO have some tips for you! I'm roughly the height of a hobbit, so ALL my pants are too long. Spending the time and money to get all my pants hemmed would rob me of my very valuable Dance Central funds/rehearsal time. Therefore, I get creative. The easiest way is to fold the jeans into themselves until they are the right length. Then just take your everyday stapler and staple those suckers. Color in any flashy silver parts with a black Sharpie. Voila! Another (but a little more time-consuming) option is one I use all the time. I fold the jeans into themselves (just like with the staples), but then I quickly and roughly stitch 'em up using a good ol' needle and thread. Bonus points for using a thread color that matches your jeans. I have at least 3 pairs of jeans that have hints of pink or orange (or one on each leg) running 4 inches about the bottom of the pants. WHATEVER though. No one will EVER notice. Plus, if you do decide to take them to a tailor, it's easy peazy to remove the stitch! Or, you know, shop in the Petite section or something. When it comes to jeans, though, just wing it. It also helps if your standards (much like your height) are seriously lowered.

Dear Crabby,

Got any good Halloween costume ideas? I've got nothing to wear, and a pretty elaborate party to go to this weekend. Everything I think of is either too complicated or too cliche. I'd love an easy, cheap-to-assemble costume that won't look like I just threw it together. Help! :)

Thanks, Crabster!
-Costume Conundrum

Boo, Costume Conundrum!
I'm kind of out of ideas, to be honest with you. I'm not even dressing up this year (for, like, the FIRST TIME EVER)! I mean, maybe DON'T dress up as Steve Jobs, Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Osama, or any other real-world character. Those are played out. Also, don't dress up as something uncomfortable. One year I went as a "bubble bath" and wrapped myself in a nude-colored towel and then yards and yards of bubble wrap. Bubble wrap is NOT breathable. It makes you hot and sweaty and people will pop all the bubbles anyways. /Fail. Hmm...oooh! Okay, I just got an idea! You can have it because I'm not dressing up anyways. (If I DO end up dressing up, though, I reserve the right to take this idea back.) All you do is wear all white, and, using safety pins or something, pin a bunch of pictures to yourself. You'll be this year's greatest invention, Pinterest!! Simple, cheap, timely, and just totally awesome. Pin some weird pics on yourself to start some excellent conversations. So, there you go. Only the greatest costume ever. You're welcome!

Okay, I'm pretty sure I've changed tons of lives with tonight's advice. Did I get anything wrong, though? Do you have better costume ideas/mouse removal procedures/seamstressing (not a word) advice? If so, go ahead and let me know in the comments. And, as per the usual, go ahead and email me your own questions at and I'll bust your balls. But for now, I'm back to busting my moves.

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