Clean It Up (or Don't)

Yay! Internet is back! I've missed you, internet. I shall never take you for granted again!

Anyhoozle, so there are two types of people in the world. There are people like my roommate Claire and my sister Prinna, and then there are people like me. I mean, of course, people who do tons of laundry, and people who do laundry only when we have to start digging into our bag of clothes we WERE going to donate to Goodwill. Claire was out of town this weekend, so the washer/dryer were free as birds and I finally hauled my bags and bags of dirty clothes I have been wearing for the past couple weeks downstairs and washed ‘em real good. Fresh start.

I’ll tell you this. I like my method better, guys. I do. Doesn’t washing clothes too much, like, wear them out? Make ‘em all dull and full of those annoying little hair balls? I’m pretty sure that’s a fact I heard or read or made up somewhere. Plus, not only am I saving water by limiting my laundry-doing, but I’m saving my clothes, people. And any way you slice it, I’m also totally saving so much money, too. Booya.

(To be fair, my sister has three kids who enjoy dirt, spaghetti, and magic markers. All their clothes are dirty the second any of the kids even looks at them.)

Another similarity between Claire and Prinna is that they both also TEACH. Prinna teaches Technical Writing, Claire teaches a GED course. Therefore, in that same spirit of educating the masses, I’ll teach YOU how to laundry like ME instead of them, because…you know, my way is better probably. So here’s a short quiz.

It all boils down to two very important moments. These two moments set apart the compulsives from the easy-goings. The first moment is when you are looking for a pair of jeans, and you see a worn pair on the floor. Do you A) pick them up and throw them in the wash and wait for them to dry before you wear them or B) give ‘em a quick sniff, and if they’ve been worn fewer than 2 times, slip right into those bad boys? The answer, obvs, is B.

The second moment/test comes when you’ve run OUT of something. It might be socks, or towels, or what have you, but EVERYONE runs out of something. This is where it gets tricky. If you run out of towels or socks, do you A) panic and frantically collect your quarters or dryer sheets or whatever and throw together a tiny load of laundry, or do you B) get creative with old (but clean) promotional t-shirts and socks from the $1 aisle at Target? Again, the answer is B. Dur.

The point is this. When it comes to laundry, I don’t get mad, I get creative. That’s the good part of me hoarding clothes. I’ll go ahead and throw together an outfit from eight years ago that still looks fly (btw, I’m bringing back the word “fly”) and as the illustrious Tim Gunn says, I “make it work”. All in the name of saving a couple hours and gallons of water. And I don’t get all uppity when my socks don’t match because I’ll put on two similar but different socks under tall boots and no one’s the wiser. That’s the ticket when it comes to conservation of laundry. If there’s a way to get around putting 4 white socks and a tank top in the washer, I’ll find it. I may not habitually recycle cans and wine bottles, but I am a hero of water conservation. Where do I collect my medal??

The trick is to lower your standards, people. I’ve championed myself on never ironing clothes and loosely interpreting the “dry clean only” instructions. (Because that is, at best, a suggestion.) Also, I’m really getting into understand the power of bleach. Oh, and it also helps to have a compulsive shopping habit, because if I can’t find a clean white tee to wear, rather than wasting a bunch of soap and water and hours of time, I just go and buy a new white tee. That gives me at least a couple days of respite. Geo once ridiculed me for owning no fewer than 12 pairs of jeans, but I can go at least 2 weeks without having to tend to my denim. I’m nothing if not efficient.

I’m just never going to be the person who wears an adorable sweater for 2 hours and then spends two hours cleaning it. I’m not a child who rolled around in the dirt hunting ants. And I don’t sweat out of my armpits (that’s a fact, people). So I just have no reason to spend as much time washing something as I did wearing it.

DING! The dryer just finished and now I’ve got loads of clean clothes to start my week. I counted and it’s 8 pairs of pants, 9 shirts, 4 sweaters, and like 8 pairs of socks (it is, after all, still flip flop weather in MN), among other things. I’m set for awhile. I could, if I’m being honest, make this current batch of laundry, last for a month probably. I’m a creative, resourceful gal, people. And I urge you to follow my lead. Together, we can save time, clothes, and water. Also, laundry detergent is kind of expensive. No more will we be under the thumb of Big Laundry. We can change this world, one load at a time. Say it with me: If it ain’t dirty, it’s still purdy!