Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Dear Crabby

Alright Squares, lets get down to the business of solving the world's problems! What will we see this week? Poverty? Economic woes? Politics? Yuck, I hope not. Let's see what we've got in the ol' mail bag.

Dear Crabby,
I've been thinking about starting a small stationary business. I love hand-making invitations, scrapbooking, and seeking out what's new in the world of rubber stamps. What do you think? Am I an idiot for trying to start a business centered solely around stationary? I really think I'd love it, and I'm really excited at the prospect of being a business owner! Do you have any experience with this? Or any unique insights??

Thank you, Crabby!
-Paper Maid

Dear Paper Maid,
I'm flattered you would come to me with your business inquiries. Unfortunately for you, though, I have zippo experience in this area, so I'm going to really wing this. I'll go with my gut and say there's probably NO downside to starting this type of business. People LOVE clever and unique invitations and cards and other doohickeys to send in the mail. Or wait, is that super old-school now? Okay, well then it's probably due for a resurgence. Hipsters will likely flock to this concept. Anyhoozle, I personally love that kind of crap. I do. The problem is, it's really stupid-expensive. If you DO start up a stationary shop, I beg you to keep your prices low. That's probably the only way you'll survive. My other instinct says "Don't buy an ACTUAL SHOP". That's crazy. You don't need to lease out some back-alley shop with a rat problem. No, get yourself a store online. for instance. Or even (I have one there, BTW. Go buy your loved ones some kicka$$ Pharon Square swag at!!) I guess that's my advice. Go ahead and start your business, but without buying an actual store, and keeping everything supah cheap. Send me some of your stuff and if it's awesome, I'll get all my Squares to support you!! Good luck, lady!

Dear Crabby,
I hate to admit it, but I know I'm not alone. When I wake up, I resemble Quasimodo. My hair is everywhere, my face is all sheet-marked and dull, and I have a definite hunch to my posture until coffee is consumed. But I just moved in with my boyfriend, and I'd like to clean up my act. How can I look a little better in the morning without having to sneak out of bed 15 minutes early to fix myself up before crawling back into bed?

Can't wait to hear from you!!
I love you!!
-Morning Gory

Hey Morning Gory,
You are right to recognize that you are not alone. NO ONE LOOKS GOOD WHEN THEY WAKE UP. Seriously, no one. There's that whole crazy idea men have of seeing a woman with lightly tousled hair, a dewy glow to their face, and breath as fresh as her minty armpits (wait, what?) but these kinds of women are rich celebrities, probably. But they ARE out there, ruining morning for everyone else. But they also probably spend tons of time to prepare the night before. I've read about women who do their hair in an elaborate braid/bun/inside-out-ponytail-twist thing, slather some exotic, rare oil or something on their face, and sleep with a mint leaf under their tongue. DUMB. I don't know about you, but I don't have that kind of time. You want a couple quick suggestions? Here you go. Keep some minty lip balm in your nightstand. It'll make your lips look nice, and at least give the impression of fresh breath. Plus, if you're really desperate, smear it on your face for that effortless "dewy" look. I'd also swipe your eye makeup off before hitting the hay. I ALWAYS forget to take my makeup off, but I do remove my eye makeup so I don't wake up looking like Snooki. And about your posture? I don't know, get some high heeled slippers or something. Or just straighten up. That's it. I bet if you can fit these things into your routine, you'll be a vision at dawn (or at least less offensive to his senses).

Hey hey HEY, Crabby!
My friends tell me I'm too judgmental. I don't like trying new restaurants, I don't particularly enjoy meeting new people I have nothing in common with, and I'm married, so it's not like I need to get out there and meet a guy and flirt. Do I sound "judgmental"? And if I do, do you think it's like a major character flaw? And do my friends need to keep pointing it out?! I think it's rude! What do you think?

Thank you, Crabby!
Judge Judy

Dear Judge (or should I address you as "your honor"?)
First of all, your friends sound harsh. Tell them to get over themselves, first and foremost. Just because you're kind of "vanilla" sounding, it doesn't mean you have to justify yourself to them. Do what you want, and more importantly, don't do things you DON'T want to do just because they say you should. Being a pretty judgmental person myself, I personally find I save a lot time by doing that. Have I heard about that new Thai restaurant? Yes, but it has a dumb name, so I have no desire to go. I'll "totally love" your new coworker who will be staying with us for a week? Unless they bring me presents, I probably will be very indifferent towards them and will be eager for him/her to leave. And most importantly, would I like to go out to meat markets and get pawed and sized-up by desperate, single men? Thanks, but no thanks. The point is, we ALL have to be judgmental to some degree, so you sound fine to me. If you DO have a judgment problem, though, it's your apparent lack of it when it comes to choosing friends because it sounds like they are mean and rude and you should definitely find some new ones. But, you know, that's just my judgment call.

Whew! Pretty sure I nailed each one this week. What did I miss? Did I steer any of these poor, sad people in the wrong direction? Dish out your own advice on my advice in the comments. And if you have your own embarrassing problems, which you do, email me at And always remember: the more humiliating it is, the more entertaining it is!


cindi said...

ok I am convinced...waiting for INVITE now..............

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