Tuesday, October 25, 2011

LFL (Or Legit Feminism Loss)

There are VERY few topics on which I claim to be an expert. Song lyrics, Kate Spade, and celebrity couples would be a few exceptions. However, Kim brought up a topic tonight that I am not only proud to NOT be an expert on, but one that I am ashamed to have googled. It's stupid. It's quite possibly the best example of idiocrity that can only be born in the good ol' USA.

The Lingerie Football League.

According to the website, it's named itself "true fantasy football". Let me paint you a very sad picture of what this thing is. Women. "Hot" women. Tiny "uniforms". No pesky pads. Full contact. Football. Thaaaaaaaaaaaat's right, people. It's all the worst parts of football smashed together with the most disappointing "perks" of being a woman.

Listen, I'm going to quote Wikipedia a lot here, because I just can't bring myself to do actual research on this because it truly makes me wish I were not a part of this gender. Apparently, though, the league was birthed in 2009. Probably by some skeevy team of men who need something to do with their excess of wealth when paying for strippers got a little too...not gamble-worthy. Women, who are probably very healthy and athletic and fine don their uniforms (consisting of "shoulder pads, elbow pads, knee pads, garters, bras, panties, and ice hockey-style helmets with clear plastic visors in lieu of face masks" - basically, the basic kind of protection any normal adult uses to go rollerblading) and simulate the act of football.

Here's fundamental flaw #1. Football is about bone-crushing hits, 50-yard passes, super-fast running backs, and larger-than-life athletes that are 300 pounds and also nimble as Jack. (Jack be nimble? Anyone?) It's about seeing big hits and not having to worry that a player might DIE because they don't have the proper protection. It's not about injuries or butt cheeks, it's about underdogs, the thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat.

The LFL is about boobs. And, I'm assuming, the ever-constant hope that it will turn into one big pillow fight, or that women tackling each other will turn into women tickling each other, which will end with - fingers crossed - lots of kissing and torn "uniforms". What else would you expect from a group of adult women attempting to play a FULL CONTACT SPORT wearing nothing more than shoulder pads and garters?

Fundamental flaw #2: Being a hot girl and playing a sport that could, potentially, cause permanent bodily harm is not brave it's, uh, dumb. Heidi Klum wouldn't do that. Gisele may love her fugly football star husband, but you couldn't pay her to get out on the field I'm sure. And I can pretty much guarantee that Anna Kournikova, a legit athlete in her day, would never join a sport that could mangle her face and/or hot body. Good looking people should't do that. (See: Mickey Rouke.) I'm not saying this out of jealously, either. As a woman, I can completely respect and support the best physical examples of my gender. I appreciate that. But I can 100% guarantee you that if I looked like the women in the LFL, I would make it my BUSINESS not to put my awesome face and body in harm's way. I'd take up modeling, or knitting, or graphic design or something not so tackle-y. Do these women not get that?

Kim told me tonight that her guy friend's girlfriend (you following me?) is apparently a quarterback in the LFL and recently broke her arm. Her season is over. Was it worth it? Your season is 6 games long and you're out for all of them. If only someone would have invented some sort of padding to protect you from getting hit so hard...Oh. Wait. THEY DID. (Yes, I know that there are technically no pads to protect the arm bones from breaking in men's football, but it doesn't fit my argument and/or joke, so I'm dismissing it).

Fundamental flaw #3: The team names for this league look like they were taken out of the Cliched Cutesy Names Handbooks. "Fantasy"? "Passion"? "Charm"? "Sin"? "Temptation"? Come on, ladies! At least TRY and flex some of your CREATIVITY muscles for once! The names are dumb and not at all threatening, like regular team names. What about "Black Widows"? Or "Ball and Chains"? Or "The Ultimatums"? THOSE are real team names. A while back, I even suggested - for the Minnesota LFL - "The Purple Nurples". Now THAT'S a good team name. But "Crush"? "Breeze"? THOSE ARE DUMB AND HORRIBLE.

Fundamental flaw #4: I don't know WHO these women are, because ain't nothing comfortable about lingerie. Lingerie is supposed to be worn in slow motion, creeping around door frames and while slinking onto couches like in the Victoria's Secret ads. I can barely get out of a chair without having to adjust my underwear. Lingerie is, almost by definition, designed to be removed very quickly. You aren't supposed to run around for hours at a time while wearing it. It's logistically flawed, people.

The point I'm trying to make is that having a bunch of hot girls pummel the crizzap out of each is only enjoyable for pervy men. ("League founder Mortaza has admitted that the league is marketed toward 'mostly beer-drinking college students aged 21 and up'.") And all it does it showcase the fact that there are actual hot women who can't seem to appreciate their own physical superiority. Someone said "Hey! You're hot, and understand football! Throw on these sequined boy shorts and get the ^&*# beat of out of you!" and they were all "YAY! SPORTS!"

Here's the real beef I have with all this. In high school, I had a few girl friends who had to fight tooth-and-nail to start a women's hockey league. They dealt with the ridicule, the laughter, the lack of financial backing of trying to play a "man's" sport. They worked their BUTTS off to be taken seriously at something they loved. What they DIDN'T do was strut out on the ice in bikinis and full faces of makeup. They played the same sport, with the same equipment as the men. Now they compete in the Olympics. One LFL player is quoted as saying "Maybe one day, girls won't have to wear lingerie to get people interested [in women's football]." Well, lady, we might not ever know because you've COMPLETELY tarnished my view of female football players. Well done.

I've gotten myself all worked up now. I am so annoyed by this stupid excuse for an organization - that gets money! - and I truly can't decide whether to feel bad for these women or full-on tackle one of them if I ever see them. Since I don't make my living on my body and/or face, I'm afraid I'll probably go with the latter. Look out, ladies!

4 comments:

sarahabt said...

hysterical blog....maybe they need MAXI pads for protection...

Pharon Square said...

Sarah. That. Is. Genius!

Madeline Solien said...

might I remind you of a football game that occurred on my front lawn of Olive Ct. circa 2001? need I say more?

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