This Post Is 100% Organic

I got on this kick today where I wanted to cook something. Nothing too complicated or with too many ingredients, just SOMETHING. For some reason I still don't truly understand, I decided to go all health-food kicky too. I thought "Hey, I'll buy health food just like everyone else."

Well, thanks for NOTHING "everyone else." Because of you even grocery shopping is hard. By the way, 99% of my friends and loved ones eat very healthily. I know. So I hope you health nuts will take this post with a grain of basmati rice. (See what I did there!?)

Okay, so Pharon Going Health Food Shopping is a lot like Pharon Doing Long Division In Her Head. It's never truly been done before. And if it HAS been done before? It was purely unintentional and likely misguided. But I went to the stupid grocery store to buy stupid non-bagels. First, I made a list:

* green leaves of some sort
* NO BAGELS

Pretty succinct list, if you ask me. So anyways, off I go to buy god-knows-what.

The lame thing about health foods is that a lot of them are either 1) disgusting or 2) obscenely expensive because people put these trendy foods so high on a pedestal that only people who are truly COMMITTED to eating like a bird can buy them.

Note/Proof of Theory: I went on the search for some shelled edamame in my regular grocery store. I couldn't find any so I asked "Yo, where's the edamame?" And the dude was all "Ugh, they put in the 'organic' section so they can jack up the price. You KNOW it's just soy beans, right?" I was all "Thanks for your honesty, broseph."

UGH. ORGANIC SECTION. May as well call it "Food For Rich People."

That's where I end up having to buy a bunch of stuff. After getting the edamame for a billion dollars, I had to find my favorite drink: Skim milk. I LOVE milk. I pound skim milk like it's water and I've just run a marathon. But APPARENTLY it's not good for you (thanks for nothing, Every Health Class Ever). So I go searching for this soy dairy-free meatless vegetarian tofu type of milk. I couldn't find it anywhere.

Oh, silly me! It's NOT in the refrigerated section! The MILK is on a SHELF with RICE! GROSS!

Still shaken by putting a warm box of "milk" in my cart, I had to find quinoa. Now, I've actually made/bought/eaten quinoa and liked it a lot. But now, since it's all part of this nutso health craze, they apparently jacked up the price. For the price of a little bag of those quinoa seed-looking things, I could have gotten like 10 toys in the dollar aisle at Target. (Mental math: That's $10 on seeds that I need to cook and eat.) Now, I love protein-packed seeds as much as the next guy, but come ON!

Finally, I had to get out of the high-rollers club "organic section" and made a beeline for more familiar territory. The bread aisle. I was trying to find this bread that my mom likes. It too is apparently free of carbs/wheat/sugar/nomnom/taste, but I tried some and liked it. (I do find it odd that the so-called good-for-you-bread is wrapped in more plastic than Barbie. Healthy!) But, annoyingly, I couldn't even find the bread. I was too nervous that I'd accidentally buy 12 bags of bagels while I was in the aisle so I made yet another beeline for the checkout counter.

I stood there while the girl swiped veggies, lettuce, unsweetened applesauce, fake milk, soy beans, seeds and some nuts and was DISGUSTED at how much I had to shell out for FOOD that is supposedly "NATURAL." WTF?! If it's so "natural" why does it cost more than something with 156 ingredients and chemicals? That stuff isn't FREE, you know.

I fought the urge to return all that "food" in favor of ready-made frozen meals and sooooooo many kinds of cheese. I could have saved a billion dollars. But no. I came home, ate some nuts and then locked away my food in a safe with my car title, ring insurance form and other things I can't afford to have stolen.