Flight Risk

OMG. I went out for dinner for my loverly pal Lana tonight to this restaurant called The Bachelor Farmer and it was amazeballs! Who knew that I would absolutely love pate and beef tartare?! NOT ME, that's for sure. But turns out, I just love all meat in all forms. So, that was an important lesson learned.

Okay, so ANYHOOZ, I promised a blog about traveling, and a travel blog ye shall get. See, I'm NOT a good traveler. Especially when I'm on my own without a person to bounce my crazy off of. So, it started with one nonstop flight down to 'bama. Should have been easy enough. But no. I checked in exactly 24 hours before boarding, re-read the the baggage restrictions, googled "travelling with a computer" and still was uneasy.

See, this was the first time I've traveled with a computer, so I actually had to check a bag. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I had Claire take me to the airport and coach me through the bag checking and computer-through-security process. I got through relatively unscathed, and felt pretty confident. Until I realized that I needed to get on a plane.

I had worn my most uncomfortable (but CUTEST!) shoes to the airport and put away a big ol' glass of wine before running at light speed to my gate. The plane took off, I started sweating. The plane went through some turbulence, more sweat. And knuckle-clenching. And a single tear. But the landing was, beautifully, uneventful. I had four nights until my next flight and I was trying to forget all about it.

I was not on my game when I got back to the airport on Sunday night. I was sad and crying from saying goodbye to Geo and I was in a strange airport. I had to take TWO planes to get home and I was paranoid the entire time that my luggage would get lost. As I put my 135 buckets through security, the TSA guy was like "Hey, pretty girl. Don't cry! And also, put your sweater in the bin, n00b." (Okay, I added the "n00b" part, but I know he was thinking it.)

The first flight was supposed to a quick jaunt over to Dallas. It was long. I sat in a middle seat and was too scared of falling asleep on a stranger to close my eyes for even a minute. The flight attendants skipped my row accidentally when it came to beverages, so I clenched my way through the turbulence sans calming glass of wine or cathartic diet Coke. It was bumpy, too. I tried to read my book on my Kindle while listening to a podcast but even all that couldn't help me forget about my fear.

Side note! As a fearful flyer, I find it positively torturous that I cannot listen to anything or play a game or anything during the two freakiest parts of the flight: take off and landing. It's when I'm most afraid, and no article in any magazine will help. Instead, I just sit there and listen to the scary sounds and feel the scary movements through the air and just try and not cry. Can't someone remedy this?!

Okay, so the first flight was late because people who don't know how to board a plane on time, so if I wasn't sweating enough as it was, I was sweating more when I learned I'd have to find a sherpa and a compass to get me to my second flight. With, like, NO TIME to spare. I ran from one gate to a tram and then from the tram to another gate. Stupid adorable, uncomfortable shoes. I was honestly DRENCHED in panicked sweat when I arrived at my gate. Twenty minutes before the boarding started. I texted Geo, "Am I the most paranoid flyer ever? Ran to my gate because I was afraid of missing it, but I'm here with over 30 minutes to spare." And he was all, "Yes, you are."

So I finally get on the plane. I'm getting nervous because I had used up a lot of my favorite podcasts and games and books on the first flight and didn't think I'd have enough to keep me distracted on the second, longer flight. I was also scared because the flight attendants were moving people around, and I was FREAKED that they'd put me in another middle seat - or worse, a WINDOW seat - but they didn't. The take off was...SWERVY. I was white-knuckling my way through the process when the girl next to me said "Ha! You grabbed my arm rest at the same time I did!" And I almost snarled back, "THIS IS MY ARMREST DON'T TOUCH IT OR I'LL PASS OUT." But I managed a smile as the plane dipped and my stomach dropped.

It was a very uneven flight. At every dip or bump, I'd panic. I had to pee, but didn't DARE unbuckle my seat belt and DEFINITELY didn't want to get tossed around in the bathroom. My Kindle was super low on battery, and I'd listened to every podcast I had on my phone. I briefly considered pulling out my laptop to play solitaire or something, but I couldn't risk all that movement. The plane continued to dip and swerve and I continued to quietly panic while trying to read my InStyle magazine for the 925th time.

Finally, the plane landed. Did I let out the tiniest "Aaarghh!" as the plane swerved one last, terrifying time before landing? YES. I don't care. I was scared. I bolted off the plane and nearly kissed the ground in the MSP airport before heading to baggage claim. Much to my surprise, my bag was there and ready to go. My parents picked me up and I sunk into the backseat, so grateful to be done flying.

I have made plans to go see Geo again, but I'm wondering if I can opt for a bus or a train or a teleporter.