Bird is the Word

What's that they say about the best laid plans? Well, whatever. I had laid some best plans of my own tonight. I was going to come home, take a nap, make a wonderfully healthy and tasty dinner and spend several hours packing for my trip to Alabama tomorrow. That's what was SUPPOSED to happen.

Here's what ACTUALLY happened.

I was well on my way into step two. I had come home, I was snuggled in my bed ready for a little post-work nap, and had even taken my contacts out. So, there I am, in sweatpants and glasses, reading Newsweek to get all nice and sleepy. Then I hear it.

Scratch. Scratchscratchscratch. Flippy flap scratchy scratch.

WHOA. What is that? Am I already dreaming? No. Is it coming from outside? No. Is it the vibration of my jewelry against my closet door? No. WHAT IS THAT?!

The more I hear the sound, the surer I am that there is a CRITTER IN MY WALL. I have this access panel in my closet that should have a cover on it, but I knocked it off when I was trying to make all my shoes fit inside. I quietly peered into the closet, and I hear the critter in the open access panel.

So, obvs, I panic, scream and slam the sliding doors shut to my closet. At that moment, I got a text from Liz asking "Hey, chat and wine?" I immediately called her back and screamed "THERE IS A MOUSE OR SOMETHING IN MY ACCESS PANEL!" She's all "Come on over!"

Before I fled to the safety of Liz's house, I called my property managers. Here's the voicemail I left. Keep in mind that I am screaming and shaking and near tears while leaving the message.

"Um, hey guys! So, I don't know if this is an emergency or not, but I'm pretty sure there is a mouse or a possum or a beaver or something in my access panel in the closet. I'm really really scared and don't know what to do. I'm fleeing to my friend's house for awhile, so if you could swing by and check it out, I would SUUUUUPER appreciate it. I'm really scared. I closed the closet doors because I didn't want it to get out and, like build a nest in my basket of summer shoes, so be careful opening the closet doors because the access panel is open and whatever's in there might have crawled out and into the closet. It's scratching and I'm worried it could be like rabid or something. I'm freaking out, though, so let me know if you can stop by tonight. Thanks!"

Yeah, NORMAL. So anyways, I go to Liz's we have a wonderful time and I finally decide I'm brave enough to come home. I unlocked the door and kicked it in, expecting a honey badger to come flying out at my face. Nothing. Right after I walked in the door, two dudes knocked on my door. It was my property manager and his buddy. YES. Two guys, one critter. Can't lose.

Luckily, my apartment is spotless and adorable, but I barely even have time to pat myself on the back for being such a good grownup. The guys come in and bring a step stool, a flashlight, and some tools. They open my closet and I scream because I'm freaked out there's a bat in there or something. They laugh at my girliness and then comment "Whoa. You got a lotta clothes in here! And it's all so neat! What are you, Rainman?!" And the other guy goes, "Damn, girls have so many shoes!" OMG. I've never felt more validated in my life.  

So, they're peering in the access panel, shining a light in it and sticking tools down there and nothing happens. No animals emerge. No one's face is bitten off by a snake. Then my property manager says "Well, whatever it was, you probably scared it with your screaming. Good work. Now, I'll tell you that someone on the 2nd floor had a swallow in their a.c. unit a couple days ago. My guess is that there are birds trying to get into the building to nest and scratch at the covering on your a.c. unit. But yours is totally in tact, so I bet they were just on the outside of the building trying to get in. No biggie."

Birds in the building?? Yeah. NO BIGGIE.

After the dudes left and the critter was "probably" gone, I finally got to work packing. I could finally dig through my closet, but did so very carefully just in case a bird managed to hide in my sweaters until it got the chance to come out and peck my eyeballs out. So far, so good. I shoved a billion bird-free clothes into my suitcase and finally am back on track with my plan. Just in time for bed, which is good because I never did get that nap.