Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Dear Crabby

I'm going to break a rule tonight. I have my OWN question that I'd like to ask Dear Crabby. So yeah, the first one is mine. Sorry to hijack this very valuable service for my own needs, but this girl's got a question that needs to be answered.

Dear Crabby,
Um, why do people go to spinning classes at the gym?
Your biggest, bestest, sorest fan,
Curse You, Crazy Legs Exercise 

Boy, I'm SO glad you asked this question! I don't know WHY people go to spinning class. I went to one tonight and have zero plans of reattending. It seemed harmless and simple. Like riding a bike, some would say. But about 2 minutes into the nightmarish experience, my legs were shaking uncontrollably and I couldn't even do the "easy standing sprint". Also? The class was only 45 minutes long, but no one told my rear end that. Actually, I'm not going to sugar coat this because there was nothing polite, proper or mature about what was happening to my ass. It was a vulgar, painful, rude and offensive experience that could only have happened to an ass, not a butt or an unassuming rear end. I desperately looked over at my workout pal Chandra and mouthed "OMG. MY ASS." And she loudly responded that "NEXT TIME WE NEED PADDED SHORTS!" Listen, I only wear padding on my fists in kickboxing. Never in the history of time would anyone ever imagine that I'd need MORE cushion in my jeans. It was inhumane. When we finished the class, I was nauseous and didn't trust my jelly legs to carry me safely to my car. So, yeah. I don't know WHY people go that class. I thought it would be easy to sit and exercise, but I was sorely (HA!) mistaken. 

Dear Crabby,
I'm starting a new job next week and I'm SUPER nervous!!!! It's my first real job since I graduated, and I have no idea what to expect. Do you think you could give me a tip or two for this new girl? I really want to make a good impression!
Jitters On Board 

Sup JOB,
Um, tips for a new job? I don't know. I guess it depends on the job. I mean, I guess that what I'd do is to make some really uncomfortable statements and conversations with people and be sure to wear clothes that ensure excess sweating. If you can wear the most impractical shoes ever to make every step you take more painful than the last, then you've downright nailed my patented First Day At Work routine. Or, you know, just do the opposite of all that. Either way, good luck to ya!

Dear Crabby,
Okay, I started watching Revenge after your post on it and LOVED it. Now I need another new show to get into this fall. Got any other boob tube suggestions?
Signing off,
Your faithful fan 

Salutations YFF,
For those readers who don't know what you're talking about, go ahead and catch up by reading this post. Okay, so I actually DON'T have a suggestion for you, unfortunately. Especially one as awesome as Revenge. I can't even keep up with real TV anymore. I don't have a stupid DVR so it's hard enough to even  care about shows that I manage to accidentally see in real time. Which is, like, SUPER annoying. I guess you should just cruise around on Netflix and see what lights your fire. Or, you know, get a hobby. 

Done, done and DONE! Good questions this week, guys! I especially like the brilliant thoughts and poetic curiosities in the first one. Anyway, I'll try to not hijack next week's Crabby. Go ahead and flood the mailbag with your own freaky queries so there won't even be ROOM for my own petty probs. 

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