Dear Crabby

Gee, let's see if I can pry myself away from this stimulating pissing contest (a.k.a The Presidential Debate) to tend to the issues that REAL Americans are dealing with. Dear Crabby for President!

Dear Crabby,
I've been texting with a dude for a couple weeks now, and we've been out twice, but I think he's losing interest. Any tips for spicing up some texts to be a little flirtier and get another date on the books?
Thanks!
Vexed with Texts

Oh, HAI, Vexed with Texts-
I hate to break this to you, but flirting via text is probably the easiest thing on the planet. I'm pretty sure I accidentally flirted with my automatically-generated bill pay reminder text yesterday. As my friend Rachel and I discussed earlier today, texting is, in fact, the EASIEST medium to use for flirting. You can take your time with responses, ask friends for opinions, proofread it and easily dismiss miscommunications with "Ugh. Texting..." The trick to flirting via text is to keep it vague. If he says "What're you up to tonight?" Don't say "Clipping my toenails on my couch while reading back issues of InStyle and eating a loaf of bread dipped in melted butter. You?" Keep it mysterious and short. Try something like "Chillin. May head out for a drink or something." Then just throw in a few "I just got out of the shower" or "Sorry it took so long to get back to you, I was busy participating in a bikini contest," statements and you're golden, Pony Boy.

Dear Crabby,
Oooookay. This is a dumb question, I know. But I need a super objective opinion. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and he says that he doesn't want to get married. His brother is divorced, his parents are divorced, and he just says he doesn't think he's into marriage. Do you think that's a real concern for him, or just an excuse not to tie the knot?
Much appreciated,
I Do (Want To Know What's Up With My Boyfriend)

Dear IDWTKWUWMB-
How should I know? If you guys are super happy, I'd buy his argument, I guess. Why mess something up that's working when he's only seen how divorce can ruin that? On the other hand, if you guys have been fighting or whatever and you aren't happy, he might just not want to marry You. Whatever the case, I can tell you one universal truth: nagging him into a marriage he either doesn't want or doesn't believe in is probably the worst decision in the world.

Dear Crabby,
I know that thongs are, like, essential undergarments for certain types of attire, but I find myself so uncomfortable when I wear them. My friends have made fun of me because I don't actually OWN a pair of non-regular undies. Do you think that's weird? Do people really wear thong underwear and feel comfortable in them? I just don't see how that's possible.
Curious to Hear Your Answer,
Thongs Are Wrong 

Sup, Thongs Are Wrong-
Dude, I don't know the underwear habits of other people, so I truly don't know what to tell you. Clearly thongs are popular, otherwise Victoria's Secret wouldn't exist. Plus, I only just realized that ladies don't wear underwear under Spanx (don't ask why that came up or why I feel like that's relevant to tell you now). So, I'm not exactly an underwear aficionado. (Side note: Is Underwear Aficionado a real thing? That'd be awesome.) Anyhoozle, no, it's probably not weird that you don't have thongs, but yes, people wear them and like them and you probably would too if you gave them a chance.

Okay, well, I feel as though I've tackled these big issues fairly and without increasing taxes on the middle-class. So, YAY for me! Meanwhile, I made it through about 45 minutes of the Presidential Debate before smashing my head into a brick wall and changing the channel to The Big Bang Theory. Bazinga, indeed. Make sure to email your questions to pharonsquare@gmail.com for next week!