So heeeey, guys. I've been sitting in front of this blank blog entry page for, oh, an hour now with nothing but that incessant blinking cursor mocking me. Not one clever pun. No adolescent abrevs. I can't even come up with one horrible thing to say about Angelina Jolie, who must be really looking forward to Halloween so she can fly around on her broom or eat spider venom while dangling her tentacles in her Jacuzzi or whatever it is soul-suckers do to celebrate All Hallows Eve. (Oh, hey! Look, I COULD think of something!)
But I've just been sitting here, watching TV and laughing hysterically at the image of Angelina with tentacles. I hate TV now. No, that's lie, I'm sorry TV. I didn't mean it. But without cable and a DVR, my life has turned into Office reruns, googling TV schedules to figure out what terrible movie I'm stuck watching and commercials. COMMERCIALS! I feel like such a plebeian.
TV commercials are the worst. First, has anyone noticed that there are LOADS of repeat characters in commercials? Like, what, we're just expected to FORGET that one of the guys in the Pizza Hut commercial with Aaron Rodgers was in a DIFFERENT fast food commercial as the "tiny hands" guy? What happened to his tiny hands!? Tell me THAT, Hollywood!
Are commercial casting companies so low on candidates that they need to keep reusing the same people? I know. I ALSO find it VERY FREAKY that I remember characters in commercials. Maybe they should be given their own shows because they make quite an impression. I don't know. But the point is, it's very distracting and it makes me think the companies are cutting corners.
However, the worst commercials of all time, in all the lands, are those RIDICULOUS Charmin commercials. They make me want to punch myself in the face and jump out a window and I have honestly made a conscious effort to NEVER BUY CHARMIN again because of these commercials. You know the ones I mean, right? With animated bears who apparently don't understand how to use toilet paper?
Um, OF COURSE they don't know how to use toilet paper. They are bears. BEARS.
Those commercials visibly upset me. The worst one is when the parent bear has to like pick out t.p. particles from the kid bear's butt. GROSS.
As if the TV gods were reading this over my shoulder, they just played the second-worst commercial of all time: The new Chanel No. 5 ad with formerly hot Brad Pitt. It's nonsense. It's garbage. It's the worst thing that Brad Pitt has done since sucking face with the ultimate blood-sucker on the set of the suckiest movie ever while beautiful and perfect Jennifer Aniston hung out at home, NOT sucking at anything. I just tried to stick toothpicks in my nail beds to relieve the pain of seeing homeless Brad Pitt in a puke-tastic commercial. What has Chanel done?!
During one football game, I was audibly angry at the amount of commercials narrated by Tim Allen. I tried to turn it into a drinking game, but people didn't want to play because they were sure I was insane. OH! And also? The Kashi commercials make me hate nature and everything it stands for.
I didn't realize that I had formed such strong opinions of TV ads until I was forced to watch them instead of just accidentally forgetting to fast forward through them. The only good thing about these abhorrent commercials is that they gave me a blog post topic when I thought I had nothing.