Let me clarify. I'm not "Steve Urkel" annoying. Or "Kardashian" annoying. I'm just in that mode today to sit and complain about myself, and that's, like, THE most annoying thing ever. Besides a Kardashian...
I'll set the scene: I'm in the midst of a panic attack in a dressing room. Ah, the dressing room. Where I last spazzed out over skinny jeans. Remember that? The last place I should go when I'm stressed and panicked is a dressing room. But there I was tonight. Just me, 156 dresses and 3 mirrors. What's the
I should not go shopping alone. I spent more time texting pictures of myself in various dresses to people than I did actually looking at myself in the dresses. But after the 100th dress, I was all "This is not working. I hate these fugly dresses." Then, after the 156th dress, I was like "This is DEFINITELY not working. And now I hate myself. And bagels. I'm definitely hating bagels at this point." (I'm kidding, Bagels, I could never hate you.)
So I get a call from Claire. She's all "Whatcha doin' tonight?" And I'm all "I'm in shopping hell." She told me to come over go shopping in HER closet, 'cause her stuff is guaranteed cute. So I did, and voila! I found a super cute dress. But I had it on and I said "I love it. It'd look so much better on someone smaller, though." She almost slapped me. She's like "OMG. You're annoying. Knock it off with the pity party. You look amazeballs."
After that reality check, I calmed down. We talked about things that were not related to me, which was great. Then, somehow, we got, as Claire calls it, "back to me." I started dwelling again. I was worried about this weekend. I was worried about the idea of shopping for wedding dresses. I was wishing for different hair. ANNOYING. Claire took it in stride. Until...
I sucked her into this weird thing I do. I am friends with this chick on Facebook. I barely know her, but we have enough history that we are suitable FB friends. (Don't get it twisted, guys. It's none of YOU. I LOVE YOU.) Her updates bore me. Her info page is lackluster. None of her friends say anything particularly interesting. But she is super beautiful and she always has pictures where she's with tons of other beautiful people and she's, like, NOT sticking her tongue out at the camera or photobombing anyone or trying to hide her arms. So I have this weird thing where, when I'm feeling down, I pore through those pictures and just talk about how pretty she is. "Look at that dress. I could never wear that dress. How can ANYONE wear that dress?!" It's SO ANNOYING.
As I'm dragging Claire through this hideously annoying tradition of mine, I noticed that she's inattentive. I'm all, "CLAIRE! Are you even LISTENING TO ME?! Look at her calves! Who even HAS calves like that!?" And Claire was all "You're the most annoying person in the world. Why are you doing that?"
I didn't have an answer for her. I stammered, "I, I, I just don't know. I just, like, I guess I like seeing what she's up to these days." And she's all "You liar. You're Facebook stalking." And I was. I do. I do it all the time. I don't know why.
I asked Claire what she thought my problem was. She suggested that maybe I'm crazy, but I don't even have ONE cat sweater, so I'm good there. Then she's like "Are you jealous?" And I was like "Wouldn't you be?! Don't you want to be her friend?" And Claire says "No. I'd like to be YOUR friend, though, when you're done being some crazy person I don't much care for."
So, whatever. I'm annoying. But what's MORE annoying is the fact that this girl I can't seem to stop FB stalking is not even REMOTELY annoying. She's, like, NORMAL.
But the MOST annoying thing of all is that I still don't know what to wear this weekend. (And that, my friends, is what Claire refers to as "Back to Me.")