Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Dear Crabby

I'm sooooo totally ready to answer some super good questions for Crabby this week! Now, let's see if there are any great emails deserving of my great advice!

Dear Crabby,
Do you think there is really such thing as Bigfoot? How do you think one would go about capturing it?
Stanks a lot!
-Huntin' Sasquatch

Dear Huntin' Sasquatch,
Of COURSE I believe there is such a thing as Bigfoot! DUH. There's so much photographic evidence! Capturing him/her/it would probs be pretty hard, or someone would have done it already. My suggestion would be to buy a blow-up doll or mannequin, cover it in glue and brown hair, slap a bow in it's hair and some lipstick on the mouth. I'd say to put her in some heels, but Girl Bigfoot should have giant feet, and unless you're Paris Hilton, they don't make shoes that big. (I'm serious about the Paris Hilton reference. Her feet are ginormotrons and she has to have her high-end heels made specially for her swim-fin feet.) Voila. Girl Bigfoot. Then put the Girl Bigfoot in the woods,  next to a car with a flat tire. Now, I can't stress this enough: Do Not Forget To Setup A Video Camera. A high-def one. That has eternal battery life. So, when Bigfoot comes to help the stranded lady with her car tire, bash him on the head with a comically large mallet and then drag him into your basement and tie him up. Ta da!

Dear Crabby,
I'm really worried that my boyfriend is cheating on me. We've been together for a year and we just moved in together. Lately, he's been acting really weird and distant and he's leaving the house all the time without telling me where he's going. Is there a way you can tell for sure if a person is sneaking around with someone else??
Help!
-Cheat Sheet

Well hey there, Cheat Sheet,
You can go one of three ways with this thing. 1) Straight up confront him. 2) Stage an elaborate opportunity by setting up a fake Facebook account as another woman and then start chatting him up as said fake lady. If he takes the bait, tell him you want to meet him at a motel. When he gets there, you should be standing in the room, surrounded by his stuff, and break the news that he's moved out and you're moving on. 3) Assume he's going to propose, blame his odd behavior on that slight possibility and completely get your hopes up. Go with one of those three options and you'll find the answer you're looking for.

Dear Crabby,
I can't decided if I should get an iPhone 5!!!! I have the iPhone 4S and it's fine, but the 5 promises to be SO MUCH BETTER! 4G! Bigger screen! But it's pretty pricey and I just don't know if I NEED it, you know? What do you think? Are YOU getting one?!
Thank you!
iNeed Help

Uh, iNeed Help?
Pretty sure you've already made up your mind. You sound more excited about this phone than I was when I learned about Breaking Amish. And by that, I mean you sound way TOO excited. I don't know what to tell you. Get it, don't get it. Either way you'll be fine. If you want to drop some cash on the phone and can kick in for the extra accessories you want/need, by all means go for it. If you DON'T have the money, DON'T BUY THE PHONE. It's that easy. Instead of dropping a few hundred bucks on a "slightly larger screen," maybe spend that hard-earned cash on paying bills or saving for a rainy day. Or, hell, you could also just buy your favorite blogger a present. I don't know! Best of luck to you, though, and your first world problem.

Wow. Those were...weird. Varied. Pretty good, though. Anyway, as usual, go ahead and slap your own advice in the comments or email me at pharonsquare@gmail.com. Thanks, skanks!


1 comment:

Blogger said...

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