Tuesday, September 11, 2012


I was facing a major debate today. There is no doubt that September 11 is quite possibly the most important day in my lifetime. So I was wondering whether to blog about the fact that NBC ixnayed their coverage of a moment of silence for the victims of 9/11 in favor of a freaking interview with a KARDASHIAN...or if I should talk about the banana I ate at lunch.

Because I cannot possibly fathom why a major network would choose to show a fame-hungry whore over sharing a moment of silence for the true heroes of our country, I choose the banana.

I would like to say here that I spent the day remembering those people who rushed into the buildings to save those trying to escape. I thought about how, in my lifetime, there has never been a more heroic display of courage and humanity than what people showed on that day. I honor them, I remember them and I sincerely thank them. The Kardashians are the garbage pile upon which I toss my rotten banana peels. Even I don't watch their shows.  So yeah. Major Fail, NBC.

But the rest of the day was seriously bananas. Mostly because, well, I ate a banana. I HATE bananas. However, it was free fruit day in the cafeteria at work and I'm trying to eat better. What can I say? I'm a gal who is desperate to appear both economical AND healthy!

So I snatched up a banana. I sat outside, eating my salad and just staring at the banana next to my plate. It was mocking me, you guys. Which is SOOOO totally something that bananas do. When I scraped the last of my salad into my mouth, I just looked at the banana. So sure of itself. So confident in the fact that it is so disgusting but everyone needs it.

See, I've hated bananas since one gave me a stomachache when I was working at this magazine. I was busy being very important and doing that month's layout or something when the punch of a humble banana came back to haunt me. Right in my tummy. I had to leave work early because I felt sick. Was it the disgusting texture of bananas? Was it the late night of drinking microbrews beforehand? Was it the uncomfortably sweet/stringy taste of the banana? Who's to say? Whatever the reason, I got sick.

Since then, I've avoided bananas at all costs. Their gross, stringy, pukey texture makes me want to fight every banana that I see. But people tell me that I'm crazy and that there is, like, loads of potassium in bananas. Apparently, I'm 100 and need potassium.

Bananas taste like they've already been eaten and then spit back up. They have the unsure texture of what it would be like if someone ate the self confidence I have at parties where I don't know anyone: Sort of soft, sort of firm, totally trying too hard to be something. ANYthing.

But today, I got a stupid banana because they are "good for you." I peeled back the overly aromatic peel and stared at the gnarly thing in front of me. Do I need to chew it? What's with all these strings coming off of it? WHAT IS THIS?! I ate a bite, telling myself "There is SOOOOO much potassium in this devil fruit!" I moved it around my mouth like it was poison and swallowed it.

IT WAS DISGUSTING.I tried a few more bites before totally disassociating myself with the "fruit" altogether. I was sure now. Bananas are effing HORRIBLE.

I felt way too happy throwing that half-eaten banana away. I was all "You're effing gross and you taste like an old potato. Into the garbage you go!"

Then I felt bad for all the people who would LOVE to have a free banana. Even Kardashians eat bananas. Probably. Whatever. I hate them and they are probably Satan's favorite food. GROSS.

So, what I'm trying to say is that everything in this world is crazy.

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